Plain Jane's Blog

Monday.

2012-01-30T09:11:00.002-05:00

It's Monday.
Did you know?

After one week of feeling pretty, well, crappy, I am finally on the up-and-up. I was denied giving blood on Friday due to low iron levels and after a glance at what low-iron looks like I realized that was probably my problem! I am now taking an iron supplement along with my daily routine.

I'm so glad to have some energy and not feel nausea!

Yesterday was my son's 14th birthday. He is my middle child, smack in the middle of two sisters...one who is 10-1/2 months older and one that is 12-1/2 months younger. That means that in 11 days we have another birthday in my house. Most years (all but the first two of their lives) I have made each of their birthdays individualized and special. This year, in an attempt to make things a little easier for the family we are going to celebrate TWO of them next Sunday...

which I realized yesterday is SUPERBOWL SUNDAY.

This makes me excited because I have an excuse to make cute things. Things I found on pinterest. Things like this:

http://absolutelymonica.blogspot.com/2011/02/super-bowl-sunday-guacamole-football.html

Unlike my family I don't pay much attention to football. My family is a college football family and that is their preference...but overall they can watch a football game pretty good. I, on the other hand, am not that person. But food? Cute food? I'm all about making stuff like that!

This week I need to get my ideas and recipes all lined up in a row. Since we are not purchasing groceries at this time (husband currently not working) I will have to use what we have.

Many of you have just started reading my blog...and my blog has really been neglected for a couple of years. I was on MySpace and started writing a LOT...and then MySpace vanished. I talked about my life and my past a LOT over there. You see, you hear me talk about God a lot...but what you do not realize is who I was BEFORE I became who I am now. I am changed and that change I celebrate. I just wanted you to know that.

I am currently doing a bible study about the book Chazown. Have you ever heard of it? The interesting thing about this bible study is who is IN the bible study. You see the study is for ladies 30 and younger. Now...I'm not in that age bracket. People THINK I am in that age bracket, but I have definitely moved onto the next one. The teacher asked me to be in there and when I arrived last week...well I have a better understanding of WHY I am there. The class is about finding who we are and what God has intended for our lives - by examining our gifts and talents. There are many younger ladies in there and by younger I mean kids my daughters age and a little older. High school students.

At first I looked around and said..."oh know, I shouldn't be here" but then after the class I had twin sisters who are in high school approach me. They wanted to talk to me and were just really interested in who I was. It was then that I realized that I do have something to offer.

Encouragement.

Compassion.

My story.

Oh but to tell my story in PUBLIC is way harder than telling my story here on a blog. My words are hidden deep within here. My thoughts and my heart are here in words but in the world only those that were THERE know the story. Unfortunately those that were there do not know the WHOLE STORY. They do not know that I have changed - because God has changed me.

These people?

They will see me in church.

They will know my kids.

Scary on so many levels.

Any ways.

That is on my mind.

Mondays mean recover my house from the weekend. This weekend I had, including my own kids, 9 kids at my house. They slept here and ate dinner and breakfast here. It was crazy...and my house reflects it. It needs to be disinfected from top to bottom.

That's my Monday...

Whats YOURS????

Illusions.

2012-01-29T22:12:00.002-05:00

Illusions.
written 2/20/2009

They are all around us. We love them. We embrace them. They have become part of what we, as Americans, ARE.

Think about it.

We all want the perfect house. Our insides are cloaked with leather couches and pretty paint, stainless steel appliances, granite countertops and wood flooring.

We all want it.

We want it all.
Through credit and our manipulation many of us were able to pull off the American dream of the house with the white picket fence...couple of kids, a dog and MAYBE even a boat or motorcycle.

The REALITY?

Credit doesn’t mean cash. Credit doesn’t equal our worth. It’s an illusion that is clearly seen when we fall into hard times.

Every morning I arise and look in the mirror and think...

“Oh my!

Where are all these dark circles coming from? My complexion looks like I am 14 all over again! I remember when I had a firm body and everything was perkier.”

And then...
Out comes the make-up and out comes the push up bra ~ and I begin sucking-in, tying and strapping things securely where they “belong.”

Voilla!

We choose to be disillusioned. It just feels better. Somehow through our illusions we are in control.

Control of who we are.

What we own.

How we're seen.

Illusion also means a fine plain transparent bobbinet or tulle usually made of silk and used for veils, trimmings, and dresses.

In Exodus 34:34-35 you can read that Moses would remove his veil while talking to God in the Tent of Meeting...but returned the veil so that the people would not see the glow of his face.

He covered it.

Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 3:13-14 "We are NOT like Moses, who put a veil over his face so the people of Israel would not see the glory, even though it was destined to fade away. But the people's minds were hardened, and to this day whenever the old covenant is being read, the same veil covers their minds so they cannot understand the truth."

Paul is so right!

I have many veils that I use when needed. On my way to church I attach my veil. The one that says "God has it all under control so I don't need to share with anyone my problems, concerns, fears or lack of wisdom."

What we fail to realize is that the veil attached IS A LIE.

The veil is an illusion of self-reliance.

God is about relationships.

Sharing.

Loving.

Caring.

He wants us to depend on Him. He wants us to create a relationship with him and others. By sharing our experiences and circumstances...praying and helping one another ~ through this we allow HIS GLORY to shine!

So, why do we do this?

Why do we hide who we really are? Why do we cloak ourselves in a veil?

Pride.

We must make a choice.

We must be visible.

CLEARLY.

Drop the veil. Drop the cloth. Drop the illusion.

---------

Are you willing to drop the illusion?

--------

I woke up a step-mom!

2012-01-29T22:04:00.000-05:00

June 16, 2008

I had every intent to write a blog last week. I never got around to it. I've been in a bit of a fog lately...possibly a bit of depression? My friend told me it probably had to do with the amount of stress I've been under...and slowing down for a week made me realize it.

I despise crying...especially over NOTHING!

When I woke up this morning I realized I was a mother of three. Most of you that read this might say...how would that be confusing for you?

Let me give you the shortened version...

Mid-February my husband got a phone call that he had a daughter. She was 11 years old. We never knew, all these years. We have been married 11 years and have two children: a son who is 10 and a daughter who is 9. Obviously the child was concieved prior to us even meeting. We met and married rather quickly when we were 20. Any ways...we got this phone call and over the past 4 months we have met Maria, gone to court, and weekend visitation, and she moved home with us on June 6th.

The kids went off to bible camp two days later. They just returned on Friday night. Up until now it has always been weekends only with Maria. She had to finish up school. Today marks the first Monday that I jetted off to work and I had three children. I had three children to wake up this morning. I had three children that I had to tell them to pack their lunches. I had three children that I asked if they had brushed their teeth...

And this shouldn't be odd because I knew that this was happening...

But for whatever reason, this morning, it just became

With many of my new FIRSTS...I also realized this week that I am not Maria's mother. I mean, yes, I am the one that every day she calls mom and mommy...but up until 3 months ago she only knew one other mother. Her birth mother. She currently does not have visitation until the family is stabilized but she is allowed to call.

She called for the first time the other day.

And it was weird.

This crazy journey that God has set me upon...some days I wake up and ask if I have the energy to continue. And He provides it for me. And I am blessed to have three of the most wonderful children in the world!

And yes, as MOM I am biased. :)

Wait. WAIT?

2012-01-25T13:49:00.000-05:00

I have had such a heavy heart.
A heart burdened by something that we have lost.

I cannot, by experience, say that I helped keep it.
I lost it too.
In a whirlwind of confusion.
A web of lies.
Deception.

The forbidden fruit. "Just try it. You will know everything there is to know about sex. God just doesn't want you to enjoy it. He's keeping knowledge away from you. You will be so wise once you have it."

Somewhere we lost how sacred marriage is. It is now some fly-by-night dating scenario that once tired of it, divorce is the break-up.

The broken child.
Mixed families.
More confusion.
It's complicated.

I am not, at all, saying that the blessings of failure I would want time to erase. I am not saying that my past experiences have no place in the present. In fact, it is only by those past experiences that my heart is heavy today - burdened by a God who loves his children (everybody in the entire world) and a desire for a pure heart.

From the perspective of the high school student - because I was once one. I was probably one of the most confused and stubborn students I have ever known. Even though I believed in God I did not understand his love or desire for my life. Instead I saw the world for what it was - having sex!

Sex.
The rite of passage.
A coming of age.
Something amazing.
Something that could lead to pregnancy.
Or even an unwanted marriage.

WHAT?
Yes, folks.
That's what I thought about.

You see, my knowledge contained other people's experiences. Either you are willing to share your experience or others will. I had my parent's story and I had my friends parent's stories. I also had what I learned at my CCD class in the catholic church. I had friends who had sex. My sister had my nephew out of wedlock when she was 21 (I was a freshman).

I am a logical person. I worry little about emotion and worry very much about logic. Those who know me well know that I am not a crier. It is very rare that you will see me cry. The most I cried was when my sister died...and that was still menial compared to the average woman. To me, crying is illogical (no I'm not Vulcan). Tears never brought anyone back from the dead.

Using my logic as a high school student this is what I decided...

1. My parents story of getting pregnant in the backseat of my father's car, subsequently getting married, having my sister, followed by another sister, losing my brother and finally having me - all the while having a very poor relationship (even though they are still married to this day) told me that I did NOT want to get pregnant by the guy that I lost my virginity to.

Solution: Birth control.

2. My friend's parents story of dating her high school sweet heart, getting pregnant and getting married. Not only was he not very good in bed, he was a lousy husband. She, at 21 was divorced with a 3 year old. Her advice was to try a few of them out "test drive" so that you know what you are getting into. Then you can marry that man.

Solution: Don't get attached to high school sweet heart. Try a few out. Don't settle. See which one "fits" - and again, BIRTH CONTROL.

3. Catholic Church taught me that sex is a sin unless you are married. They teach to not use birth control but rather abstain from sex. Sin = Hell. If you do get pregnant you cannot have an abortion. Abortion is bad. Really bad. Abortion is murder.

Solution: Abortion is way worse than pregnancy. My parents had sex and God didn't punish them. Catholic families have lots of kids and that is pretty crazy - not to mention some other things that I don't really believe that the Catholics do. Birth control.

4. My sister got pregnant and the father left her to raise her son alone. He broke her heart.

Solution: Birth control.

5. My friends told me that sex was great! Everyone I knew was doing it. It's not looked upon like it used to be. Guys have sex and we don't call them whores - why can't girls have sex too? Be careful though - and use a condom. Condoms keep you safe.

Solution: Use condoms.

Maybe you look at all these thoughts of a high school and say - you were different. Maybe you see these thoughts and they were your own thoughts. Maybe you see these thoughts as common sense.

As far as the world is concerned - it is!
If you are going to have sex, be safe.
Safe sex.
Be monogamous.

As a high school with such ~~great logic~~ stupidity I believed all the lies and deception that I thought was very logical at the time. I decided to just get rid of my virginity all together. Get on the pill ~~so that I can be sure not to get pregnant~~ so that my periods are more regular and less painful. Pick someone who does not even KNOW I'm still a virgin...such a dirty word...have sex and be done with it.

They will never know.
I will not be in love with them.
I will use a condom and be extra safe.
I will not get pregnant.
I can move on with my life.
Drown the moment in some alcohol.

I do not know how I did not learn how my Father is a loving Father. How did I not know that he had a plan for my life? A plan so detailed that I could not begin to fathom it?

My dream, deep within my heart forever, was to get married and have children. To love a man with all that I am. I didn't plan my wedding like most teenagers but I knew what I wanted, but I also knew from my logic that I had to be careful to not fall for the first guy and to make sure he was the RIGHT ONE.

Why did I not understand that God already had him chosen FOR ME?

My husband and I talk about the what-if's. I say, what if we had both waited for each other through God's promise, do you think we still would have met and marry? Or did we have to do all those bad things to get to HERE? His reply, which I do believe is true, is that God would have put us together.

There would have been less collateral damage.
Less insecurities.
Less alcohol & drug abuse.
One less child.
One less child in heaven.
Fewer uncomfortable situations with friends.
A better sex life.

I would never ask God to take away the blessings that occurred through our poor actions. I love each of my children with my entire heart. But our actions did affect the heart of our children, and the pain that comes through a broken home.

Why do we not want our children to be whole?
Why do we not want to reach our children about God?
Why do we not want to teach them about why we should wait?
Why are we unwilling to expose the REAL ISSUES?

My desire for my kids to have that fully trusting relationship with God is not to keep them from getting into trouble. Yes, it will help them for their future - but my concern is for their heart and trusting their heavenly Father. I might not be around forever, but He will be. He has the ultimate plan.

Marriage is such a great and amazing thing. As much as I wanted to get married and as much as I loved or loved being in love with my husband the day we did it - that love has only matured and grown stronger. Never have I known a love like this. To say that he is my best-friend is an understatement. We love to spend time with one another and we are fully committed to a lifetime of each other. I want my children to have a marriage blessed like us! God healed all our hurts and pains, and healed our family of it's brokenness but as a parent I want my children to not have to suffer like this.

I am rambling.
I am sorry for that.

I just don't understand telling my kids to just be safe.
I can't.
I can't tell them that.

I have to tell them the BIG picture.
God's picture.
I can't just tell them to abstain either.
There is more to the story.

Our kids are going to form logical motives based on what they hear. They are going to hear what the world hears: what you say, what their friends say, what their friend's parents say.

Are you willing to share with others your pain?
Your sorrow?
Your story?

The importance of showing your children DAILY what God has done for you is the greatest gift you can give them. God is not only in the BIG THINGS but he's in the small things too. He is in all the details.

He is real.
He is alive.
He is here.
He loves us.
He cares for us.
He sustains us.
He has a plan for us.
He wants us to trust him.
He wants us to ask for it.
He wants us to wait for HIS ANSWER.

I had a really weird dream the other night. In my dream I had to wait to have sex for seven years. I believe that I was a widow in my dream...because that's the only way it really made any sense. SEVEN YEARS? I am not an every day kinda woman. I am more of a once a week kinda girl. My husband reminds me every three days that's what he needs. He thinks I could wait a lifetime. In my dream though - I cried out to the Lord, "Father, seven years? That's FOREVER!"

And by all means, it does seem like forever.
But would I be willing to do that for the Lord?
Would it be hard?
Is it better to know how long?
Or just to be busy serving the Lord until the time comes?

For this, I applaud those Christians who are waiting for God to bring them the right one...for those who do not believe that virginity is a dirty word but rather God's gift to the man (or woman) he created for YOU! I am excited that more and more Christians are encouraging one another in prayer and a commitment to serve until the day comes that you will walk down that aisle.

Oh to be truly given over from your Father to your spouse.
Beautiful.
Amazing.
Totally worth 7 years.
Or 70 years!

I believe it is imperative to EMPOWER my children.
For them to know their TRUE VALUE -
through a loving Father's eyes.

I believe it is important to ENCOURAGE my children.
So that they can trust their Father -
to meet their needs.

I believe that these decisions will not only affect ME
but will affect my GRANDCHILDREN and my GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50917790-76/relationship-sex-byu-busby.html.csp

THOUGHTS?

OPINIONS?

Time.

2012-01-23T14:07:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4ga_M5Zdn4
For your EARS while you READ.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

time.

Time.

Time flies.

Time waits for no man.

Time is not my friend.

Time for lunch.

Time for dinner.

Time to take out the trash.

I don't have time.

Do you have the time?

Snack time.

Nap time.

Time to take a bath time.

time.

Assessing one's use of time is imperative if a person chooses not to waste time. I have several awards for wasting time and procrastinating. It's not a place I like to show to others - not much to brag about there, but none-the-less, the place exists.

TIME.

Since my sister was diagnosed with cancer 3-1/2 years ago I started to look at time much differently. She shared with me what she did with her time, even when she was extremely ill. She gave her time freely, as God will call her to. She mentored children, shared her life and her love with others.

She always had time.

Until it ran out.

Don't Waste Time.

My son's birthday is on the horizon - another moment to look at the clock of time and say ALREADY? I remember the when he was in my belly, the day he was born, his cries, the way he snuggled up to me, the way he hid behind my leg when he didn't know someone, how he hugged me and told me it would be okay. That little boy? He's 14! Where has the time gone?

As time ticks away I have to focus on TIME WELL SPENT. What is that these days? If I spend my time wisely then I will have little regrets in my future. I do not wish to look back on my life with regrets.

Quiet Time with God is one that I am continually trying to make. It is something that I battle...

DAILY.

WEEKLY.

MONTHLY.

YEARLY.

How can I know what God wants me to do if I'm not willing to spend some quiet time talking to him? And sitting with him in the silence to hear him talk to me?

My Spare Time I am using to maintain my house. This is something that I always neglected and left for the weekend. What I realized is that this is something that I need to make sure is kept up so that my husband enjoys coming home after a long day at the office, that the kids can invite their friends over and not be embarrassed and for me to be able to OPEN MY DOORS to Godly appointments. Now the image below is for ME. I have burned up a lot of time not well spent on facebook. Sometimes I was at work. Sometimes it was when I could have been hanging out with my family. I have had a cafe, a farm and other things that really did not enrich my life - only wasted my time.

Time of Need is something that has been in my face for a while. My husband and I are currently in a transition. My husband had to leave his job and currently does not have one. We listened and obeyed an odd request from God, so we have plenty of food to feed our family. What about the others? You see, we easily get consumed by what WE NEED and forget about others and their needs. Not all of God's appointments are at my house - and so time well spent is going OUT THERE and helping others. (Proverbs 21:13) Sometimes NEED isn't food. Remember, we all need relationships. There are people that NEED A FRIEND. Yes, they are usually the hardest to get along with - but give them an ear and a shoulder.

Time to wait for answers to prayers. It is this time that I feel is the slowest. More often than not the prayers have been answered while we are still waiting - they were just answered in a different way than we EXPECTED.

Time has CHANGED ME because I let God change me. He still is! This may seem a little odd to throw in, but it is completely the truth. I would love for you to check out this website, if you have time. I could easily be two of the people on here. Coincidentally I do "know" these people, but have not taken the time to KNOW them. I had already prejudged them as picture-perfect christians - never had a problem in their life, they would die if they knew who I WAS. www.changelookslikethis.com

God changes all of us in time.

If we let him.

What do you think about TIME?

RESOLVED.

2012-01-23T10:41:00.001-05:00

Another New Year's Eve has come and gone and we are left in the now to discover if ~~all~~ any of our resolutions will stick.

I think it's a good time to take a glance back at your previous goals and see how you did. We often forget about those resolutions after a few short weeks.

How does one maintain a resolution?

Last year my desire was to help out in the community monthly and to start a bible study that I felt God was urging me to do. I did fulfill my resolution - but now it's time to make some more changes.

BTW it took me a YEAR to obey God and start that bible study.

AND sometimes serving in the community doesn't look like you expect it to.

So, do you think you don't need to change????

The Lord will always call us to change more.
Even the parts that we think are jusssst fine.

I have been struggling with this. "Lord, why do you want me to change that? That part of me is fine! I'm not breaking your laws. Why would you want this to change?" But then it dawned on me - maybe he needs me to change so that my kids have what THEY NEED. Maybe my changing with help them in their walk?!

This year I have made some resolutions. My first resolution is to continue to find ways to save more money this year. The Lord has provided us with an income and we need to stay within it. In the past I have always worked a full-time job and made nearly 1/2 of our household income. After coming home a little over 2 years ago our income has decreased - but it hasn't been until the past year that I have really tried to decrease our spending. Granted, we stopped eating out as much, but there are more things that I can do around the house to save some pennies.

My second resolution is to maintain a cleaner household. I need it to a level of "maintained." If my husband is going to be the main provider of the home then I need to make sure that it is clean when he gets here. Yes, there are many children that are in and out of this house all the time - but I need that to not be an excuse to have a dirty house. I will just need to focus more on the details of the home instead of throwing an excuse at them. www.flylady.net has helped me achieve this!

My third resolution is to be mindful of my children's needs. This has always been my goal as a parent, but as my children grow and change the job itself changes. They are all teenagers now (13, 14 & 15) and I have to remember what it is to be that age. I need to encourage them to do what is right, when the world tells them something else. We have created a space for them to have friends over, but I feel like God is calling us to do more. Not sure how this will translate into action, but I have some ideas.

My fourth resolution, which should actually be my FIRST is to be more prayerful this year. Prayer is something that is every hard for me - as my brain is always going a million miles a minute and even during prayer I have a to-do list in the background. I have to make time for God - ALONE TIME.

So, to you I have some questions.

DID YOU MAKE ANY RESOLUTIONS THIS YEAR?

HAVE YOU ALREADY GIVEN UP? OR WORSE YET, FAILED?

Remember, to fail is to say that you have given up! You can always start again. Every morning there is a sunrise you have a new day to START AGAIN!

Take a washable marker and write your reminders on your mirror - so you can see them in the morning and at night! Here is just one reminder I have:

One Penny. Two Pennies...

2012-01-15T19:26:00.002-05:00

Penny saved is a penny earned.

I realize that what I have been writing about recently has been pretty heavy. What I have been experiencing has been pretty heavy, and therefore I need to express that. We express things in hope that others will validate an experience or make us feel a little less "crazy."

I figured I would offer something a little lighter.
A something a little more ME.
Not necessarily my spiritual walk.

Well, I guess you could say a little bit has. I will just tell you this...several months ago my husband came to me and said, "Honey, I don't want you to think I'm crazy but I feel like God told me to put away food. I don't know why, but I think we should." At that, knowing that my husband has NEVER said any such thing, but knowing that we both have been praying, reading our bibles more and more - I trusted his statement.

I began to track what we consume as a family on a weekly basis. Money has been tight for several years since I resigned from work so it was just a matter of really getting the details down on paper.

How much toilet paper do we use a week?
How much milk?
What are the basic meals we eat every week?

As a family of 5 with two dogs (one is 60lb) and three teenagers we consume a LOT. I need to update the photos of my family - now two of them are taller than me and my son is really shooting up now. Food consumption is at an all time high in this house. We cannot buy snacks because:

#1 they don't fill the kids up
and....
#2 they cost an arm and a leg.

I got my spreadsheet out, calculated the ingredients necessary, (minus milk, eggs, butter and cheese) for 9 meals. We are blessed to have a neighbor who hunts and with that we have a freezer full of venison. Our meals are as follows:

Spaghetti
Rice Mix Dinner (Jumbalaya or Arroz Con Pollo)
Chili w/ Meat and White Beans
Chicken & Broccoli Alfredo
Beans & Rice w/ Spam
Mac-N-Cheese w/ Meat or Tuna
Tacos w/ Meat & Tomatoes
Chicken Curry w/ Chickpeas
Meat & Potatoes w/ Green Beans

I gathered all the ingredients for 12 meals EACH, plus things like flour, sugar, evaporated milk, powdered milk, oatmeal, cereal, pie fillings, etc. I also purchased toilet paper, shampoos, and other toiletries to have us covered for 3 months. That's a lot of work on a tight budget. My Christmas money from my parents finished off the task. I figure food is money well invested these days.

As with all things, God has a plan. My husband had to resign from his position last week. The company is doing immoral and unethical things and although they were willing to double his salary to look the other way - he knows that he has to answer to God. We have now initiated our 3 month meal plan - ALL SYSTEMS GO.

I know the Lord will provide my husband with a job. He was looking for one long before his resignation - and he received a promising phone call the DAY he resigned from a company that "found him." Either way, I know we can make it for 3 months and any money that we earn from now until that day can be focused on the bills and not on food.

Pretty cool.

From this experience I will always have at least 3 months worth of food available. It saves the guesswork PLUS I make sure I buy when the deals are AMAZING. It cuts the grocery bill in 1/2 because I'm not buying out of NEED but rather out of cost and usage.

I have also recently started making my own homemade LAUNDRY DETERGENT. Right there I saved us about $100 a year and the detergent came out GREAT! I will definitely continue with this cost saving and great product. Other things I have done is making my own chili & taco mixes. Whenever I get a tip to make something at home I will try it and see how it works.

PINTEREST has helped me with this small addiction! :)

The garden is growing, plus I'm getting ready to replant. I am planting lots of lettuce. This summer, since it's so hot here in Florida I'm keeping my focus on peppers. I will pickle many of them, dehydrate and make soup mixes out of the rest. My herbs are always growing and being used fresh and dehydrated. I am learning how to buy vegetables at their cheapest so that I can take those and can/dehydrate them as well. I purchased potatoes and made my own dried potatoes for homemade potatoes-au gratin. I'm super excited about things like that - without all the added chemicals from a box, but not all the hard labor at 6pm when everyone is STARRRRRVING.

I know that the whole WORLD is feeling the financial crunches. How are you and your family changing your ways to save money?????

The Answer.

2012-01-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

If you read my last post, you will know that I was left with a rather odd question to ask myself. If no, take a moment and check it out!

New Year

My question that I have to be left with is...
WHY WOULD THE HOLY SPIRIT DO THAT?

I have to assume based on what I believe, what I have been praying for (to hear the Holy Spirit), and the fact that I consider that to be some sort of odd miracle - it HAS to be the Holy Spirit.

But WHY?
WHY would the Holy Spirit show himself to me like that?

I have really been pondering this question. Praying about this question and I feel like, somehow the answer was revealed to me last night. I say "somehow" because those that know how God works the answers to our questions come in thought...that definitely does not come from OUR BRAIN.

It just appears.
And it makes sense.

BONDAGE

Bondage?

Bondage makes sense?

It was going through my head when I woke up this morning...and then with my busy day I lost it. I was trying to hold onto it, and it started to clear away like the fog. When I went to think about it a little more - it was GONE. I prayed that it would come back...

It took me SIX HOURS.

"I delivered you from bondage, why do you look back?"

That is what I feel was being pressed upon me.

Hearing that going through my head over and over and I had an image of Lot's wife. They were all told not to look back. There she was, Sodom and Gomorrah were being destroyed, and she uncontrollably needed to look back, disobeying God...only to be turned into a pillar of salt. (Gen 19:17-26).

Why look back?

God saved you from that!

I have come a long way from ~~where I was~~ who I was. It has been a gradual change and one that I continue to pray for more and more.

"Father, help me to serve you better."

"Holy Spirit, let me hear you.

New Year's Eve really blew my mind.

Truly.

This is what I know is true...

1. Those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Those who indulge in sexual sin, idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers and swindlers...when your sins were WASHED AWAY - you STOP DOING THOSE THINGS! (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

2. The Holy Spirit gives us FREEDOM (from bondage). The veil is lifted so that we may be mirrors that reflect God's glory. (2 Corinthians 3:17-18)

3. Don't get drunk on wine. Instead be filled with the Spirit. (Ephesians 5:18)

4. God has given us a Spirit as PROOF that we live in Him and He in us. (1 John 4:13)

What we feel is a bondage and what God sees as a bondage is two different things. You see I have always had a good time letting loose. I felt very convicted almost a year ago, coincidentally after New Years, to stop drinking. That was when I slowed my drinking the first time...followed up with 40+ days of absolutely NO DRINKING.

I had contemplated quitting drinking for several years.

Gradually I allowed it to increase a bit.

More and more.

It was enough that on New Years I TRIED to get drunk.

I desired it.

I went for it.

In trying to understand WHY the Holy Spirit didn't let me get drunk I had to ask myself WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD GOTTEN A BIT CRUNKED?

I would have had a blast.

I would have danced all night.

I would have said a lot of cuss words.

I would have been ornery.

I would have remembered everything I LOVED about breaking God's law. It would have set me back as far as my walk with God. I also really feel that I would have lacked that PROOF.

It's so hard to explain. You only know my words on paper, so to speak. My words are who I am though. I am that party animal that just goes too far. The past couple of years I feel like God keeps throwing the breaks on this part of my life that I have always enjoyed.

Over and over.

"I delivered you from bondage,

why do you look back?"

Okay, Lord - I will stop. I will stop trying to go backwards instead of pushing forward.

---------------------------

Have YOU ever head God talk to you?

A New Year!

2012-01-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

In evaluating myself recently I discovered that I have little to no desire (still) to drink. I would just rather not. You may or may not know that around the Easter I quit drinking for 40 days. It was really hard for me. I had found that my joy of having a beer became a need on stressful days. In times of NEED I want nothing but the Lord. I'm not saying that I haven't drank since then and I'm not saying that I haven't gotten tipsy since then. I'm saying that it's no longer my "norm."

My sister-in-law, whom I love to death, is often the one that I can really party it up with. When she and I get together...well we can easily become ridiculous. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but we are both tempted when the opportunity presents itself.

New Years 2010

Now remember I host a bible study at my home.
My sis in an attendee.

She and I have BOTH been praying about and trying to work through this flaw. This one aspect in our lives that we can throw God's law aside and...well...sin. To those that are not a christian you might way - WHATEVER, it's a drink or two.

No one is dying.
You aren't hurting any one.
You should have a good time.

Here's the thing - I have the Holy Spirit living inside me. I am where HE dwells. He grieves when I sin against God the Father. Therefore - getting just a little drunk is really BAD. Sin builds that wall that I was trying to tear down a year ago. It was a wall of sin. Communication had been cut off for me.

(paraphrase of Romans 8:1-17)

There is no more shame for we belong to Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit has freed us from the power of sin. We can follow the Spirit within us. Letting the Spirit control our mind leads to life and peace. Those dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things but those who are controlled by the Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. Under the sinful nature can never please God.

Last year we celebrated at my house. I stayed up that night dancing and pretty intoxicated until 3am. I will admit it openly. This year's New Years Eve party was at my friend/neighbor's house. New Years Eve this year I once again attempted to be a fool. I really did. You might laugh at that statement.

First, that I attempted it.
Second, that I failed at it.

It's true. I wanted some fun. I wanted to party. I wanted to let loose. Do you know how many New Year's Parties I have partied at over the years??? Never stopping for ANY REASON. My sis-n-law was there, my hubby was playing DJ, the bar was flowing and ...

i tried...
i tried by taking a few of shots
i drank a few of beers
had a glass of champagne

nothing.
NOTHING.
NOTHING.

My husband dismissed it.
I did not.
I really tried.
I was COMPLETELY SOBER.

You, like my husband, might say "whatever."
But seriously...NOTHING.

I know how drinks affect me. I had a drink at the same house the day before while setting up. I was buzzed off that drink before I walked back in the door 30 minutes later.

When we came home all I could think about was NEXT NEW YEARS and how I didn't want to do a party...that I wanted to do something with the kids. Maybe we can go somewhere together as a family? A theme park or something???

At our bible study on Tuesday I brought it up...the whole drinking thing. We have been studying about the Holy Spirit. The book is called The Forgotten God and it has truly been eye opening. When I brought up the whole New Year's Eve issue my sis-n-law, who was TRYING alongside me agreed...NOTHING.

She told her husband the same thing...

Is it possible that the Holy Spirit did something?
Like not let me get drunk??
And not let HER get drunk???

It's a lot to consider, but definitely something to consider! Here, within our bible study there are FOUR WOMEN.

#1 quit drinking when she became pregnant with her 2nd (3+ years ago) and never started again.

#2 doesn't really drink anymore because she now gets a headache INSTANTLY when she does. She LOOOVES tequila, but not any more.

here you will see three of us (middle to left) in '09

#3 & #4 That leaves me and my sis. Our DESIRE to drink has really vanished but even when we TRIED - we couldn't.

So what is this all about?

Well, for those that know me - all of this is my honestly. God cannot change me or help others unless you expose WHO YOU ARE. Sometimes I am weak. I have realized that I am less and less weak as God continues to make me stronger and stronger.

It was a strength that I didn't realize I lacked. It wasn't a strength that I ever thought I wanted or needed, yet here I am. I am a testament to all the bad things this world can offer, sinful nature at it's finest - and here God is still loving me and changing me for the better.

------------

With that I have a couple of questions - for those that are willing to answer them OUT LOUD I would love to hear them!

1) What has Jesus done for you?

2) What has God done for you lately??

3) What has the Holy Spirit done for you???

She Gave Her Eyes

2012-01-01T13:18:00.000-05:00

Before my sister was diagnosed with cancer she was a vibrant serving christian woman. She went to church weekly and raised her children to love the Lord. Amy had fun, went on youth trips and truly opened herslef up to the youth. She was a normal everyday woman who loved God with her whole heart.

That being said, she still had all the luggage that we, as people, carry around:

Past hurts.
Bad memories.
History.

When Amy was diagnosed with cancer it was post-op. One minute they were gearing up for gallbladder surgery and the next day she was in the hospital with heart failure - it was then they they were able to see that the problem was a tumor on her heart.

Heart surgery?
They cracked open her little rib cage.

And GOD operated.
God?
Yes.

You see, when they split open her chest God cut out all of the baggage. I swear to you that he did. All those past hurts were gone. All that lacked in her life became whole.

Everything she was changed.
Life as she and her family knew it was over.

Surgery.
FIGHT
Recovery.
FIGHT
Chemotherapy.
FIGHT
Radiation.
FIGHT

Repeat for two years.

Amy went home to Heaven last July, but she left the world changed. Not only by the heart that she gave to every she knew and met, but even beyond that.

She gave her eyes.

Someone somewhere has her eyes. I'm guessing it was her cornea or something like that but I think about her eyes as a whole.

Her vision.
Her heart.
Her zeal for life.
Her love of God.

In life.
After life.
Amy served others.

-----

My neighbor is fighting the fight of her life as well. She has now been put on the lung transplant list. Robyn is on the list for dual-lung transplants.

Even though my sister fought for her life, she was completely covered by insurance. Robyn is not.

INSANE medical costs have been accrued by the family while she has fought Cystic Fibrosis. We, as a community have been trying to orchestrate fundraisers to help get them the funds necessary to cover the surgery and hopefully help them with the anti-rejection medication that will follow the rest of her life.

Robyn is a fighter.
Just like Amy.

I am trying to get the word out.
I am trying to rally the troops.
I am trying to help Robyn in a way that I could never help Amy.

Can you help????

http://www.robynslungs.com/default.html

Family

2011-12-12T08:11:00.002-05:00

As a child I remember a few churches that I attended. At age seven my parents decided that we were going to be Catholic (my father is Catholic). It was at that point that I was baptized and we began attending that church. When we moved we found the closes Catholic church and that was our home church.

Nothing to think about.
Nothing to debate.

It wasn't like we hung out with people at church. We went there to worship, sat on the same row every Sunday. We said our Peace Be With You's and went home 45 minutes later.

-------------

My husband and I were married two weeks after I turned 20. About the time I started dating him (19) I stopped attending church with my parents. My husband was raised in a Christian home, after the age of about 12. We were young, immature, and looking for a good party, not a good church.

I'm not saying that's good - but it's WHO WE WERE.
Do you know where a good party is?????

I kid.
I kid.

Once our first was born my need for church increased greatly. I longed to be at church. Church was something that I did EVERY WEEK, even if I didn't really want to. It was at church that I could really hit my knees in prayer.

Everything was still.
He was there.

After some time we agreed to start checking out churches. Every other Sunday we would try a different church. Since his family was raised Church of Christ I agreed to go on a search with him for that. A Christian church. We only went to three different churches but decided that we would make Fairfax Church of Christ our church.

We didn't attend very often.
But it was our church.
We knew someone that went there.
Other than that, no real connection.
It was US, not them.

-----------

When we moved to Florida we began going to church with my husband's family. It was a nice church and we attended for a couple of years. We never completely became comfortable as my husband's past collided there - they knew who he was BEFORE he became a Christian. I did not understand what that meant at the time, but at this point in the game if he was willing to take us to church I would let him lead us.

After some serious turbulence we left that church.
Which was really good.

My husband had knee surgery and I feel like we took some time off from church. About two months later we were invited to go to church with my husband's grandma - so we did. When we arrived, listened to the sermon - it felt like we had come HOME. I will never forget the feeling I had and sharing it with my husband. It was at that point that we began attending church weekly.

And loving it.
Worship.
Prayer.
Active.

We became part of a family.
A big DYSFUNCTIONAL family.

Seriously? We Christians are just as dysfunctional as the rest of the world, we are just trying to be followers of Christ and change who we are. Not an easy task to say the least.

Four years.

Our church was there as we transitioned from two kids to three kids. They embraced us and our beautiful daughter - acknowledging that she was OURS as we hit the floor running. This church was there as my sister battled cancer and eventually lost that battle. They were there to pray for/with me. They were there to hug me.

Family.
That's my description.

---------------

After some thought and discussion about a year ago my husband and I decided that we were going to check out some other churches. Not because our current church had changed - they have not at all. They are still healing hearts, helping the community and being family. I would encourage anyone I know to go there. No, it's not for any bad reason that my husband and I chose to do this...

It was set upon our hearts.
And so we did.

The first church we went to we did NOT want to like it.
It was big.
It was different.
But we did.
We liked it.
A LOT.
So we decided to go again.
Just to make sure.

And here we are over a year ago.

A few months ago my daughter decided she wanted to be baptized - but baptized by her father at our old church where the family was. So we did, we headed back over there and were once again embraced by our family (the whole church) and my in-laws. It stirred in us that heart felt homecoming feeling and we began to split our time, like a divorced couple, between both churches.

We were going to make a transition time and head back to our former church in the end. Every week we were at one church or the other...

And it was exhausting.
Frustrating.

I found myself trying to watch missing sermons online so that I could still be in the loop with the current series. I found my heart literally torn in two: family OR where you feel you are supposed to be?

It didn't make sense.
Shouldn't I want to be with my family?
My closest friends?

Everything about me and within me says YES.
YES.
I should be with them.
My heart said something different.

After more discussion between my husband and I we had to make a decision - we can't have both. We listened to our heart and have fully committed to our current church. It's where both of our hearts feel pushed. It has been hard for our kids. Just like our love of friends, teenagers have a harder time separating themselves from friends.

They have all been angry.
It has weighed very heavy on my heart.
What if we made the wrong decision?
Lord, we are listening, but what if we heard you wrong?

For the first time, in all this transitioning we had confirmation that we made the right choice yesterday. Out of the mouth of one of our children was an agreement that the choice was correct.

Thank you, God.

----------------

So to those of you that might go to my former church KNOW that it is not because we do not love you, it's not because we feel the preaching is bad (we love you Preacher Don!) or because an issue within the church. Quite contrary - you ARE our family! No, it's because we really feel we are being led by the Spirit in a different directly.

I never knew it would be so hard leaving a church.
Not from any previous experience in my life.

----------------

Have YOU ever had to do this?
Anything like this?

THE box!

2011-12-12T07:23:00.000-05:00

Do you remember as a child, looking at all the presents under the Christmas tree in expectation? Even now, each of us are drawn to a certain type of box. Maybe it's a small box that could contain jewelry or a key? OR sometimes it's the REALLY BIG BOX that catches our eye.

As we stare at the beautifully wrapped box with the perfect red bow our minds take us to all the I WANTS that we have rattled off over the past year.

Could it be those diamond earings?

Or the key necklace?

Oh I be I got the XBOX i wanted!

We do it. We ALL do it - even if we are not the type that really want much.

The image in my mind is of a little kid. He wrote his Santa list with his sights on some AMAZING things. He's dreamed about getting his hands on his carbine action, 200 shot range model Red Ryder air rifle! He has planned all the adventures he's going to have with that little baby.

Two weeks before Christmas a box appears.

The box is the PERFECT SIZE to fit his dream machine.

And he waits.

In anticipation.

He's not allowed to TOUCH the box so every day it sits there to be seen, but not touched.

Day after Day.

11 days.

10 days.

6 days.

2 days.

Hot chocolate.

Santa's Cookies.

Christmas Eve service at church.

Sleep.

MUST SLEEEEEP.

Sunlight.

CHRISTMAS!!!!

As he comes down the stairs, greeted by his parents, he goes DIRECTLY to that present! Mom and dad knod in approval as the impending explosion of excitements tears into the box!

What does he see?

He sees a box.

Plain.

Gives it a little shake.

It has the weight of the best gift he's ever had!

And so, while his parents look on with excitement and joy, camera's ready, their sweet little guy opens the gift. The lid goes up, they inch forward in anticipation, and the look on their son's face shifts from excitement to perplexment.

What the?

Baby Jesus?

Really?

That's what's in this beautiful box?

The one that I have been STARRING AT for two weeks?

I got BABY JESUS for CHRISTMAS?!!!!

Talk about overwhelming disappointment.

With that the little boy tossed the box aside to search for a more valuble present.

---------------------------------------

We are ALL guilty of this. We discard the truth and reason we celebrate Christmas. I am not saying to not give Christmas presents, but at what moment did Christmas became a completely secular holiday?

My biggest prayer, as of late, is to show my children that I go to church every Sunday not because I HAVE TO but because I NEED TO. I go to church so that I can be renewed and refilled and encouraged, without all of the distractions of the world, including my family.

I feel like during Christmas there is this LIE that is overshadowing TRUTH. Yes, we celebrate Christmas. Trying to show and encourage my children to look at it DIFFERENTLY then we celebrate it is REALLY HARD.

How do you feel about Christmas?

How do you celebrate it with YOUR family?

Your Favorite Shirt

2011-11-28T14:14:00.001-05:00

Everyone has one.
A favorite shirt that is.

The shirt I am talking about is NOT the one you picked up while shopping after Thanksgiving. No, this shirt looks a bit different. It's the one that you find shoved in your dresser or up in the closet somewhere. It's the shirt that you ONLY wear around home, not that you are completely ashamed of it, but because you do have a sense of style now. You might wear it to WalMart on a whim and you are fine so long as you don't look in a mirror to get an accurate view.

Yes, it's the memory shirt.

It might be tied to high school or college...or even your first boyfriend. If this shirt could talk MANNNN you would have to shut it up! Incriminating to say the least!

Even though your life has changed, WHO YOU ARE has changed, you still have that shirt. You take it out while cleaning sometimes and laugh - maybe even are willing to tell your kids a few of the stories behind that teacher, all the while smiling at the stories you DIDN'T tell.

Or maybe I'm just along in this?
Oh, Lord.
That would be AWKWARD.

I was thinking about this the other day.
The little treasures that I treasure.
Stories that I could recount.

Those who knew me over, well my entire life practically, will tell you that I am a bit of a dare devil. No, I've not gone skydiving (YET) but I took risks that many people did not take. Many of those things that I gambled with did gamble my life: binge drinking, parties, driving while intoxicated and the list goes on and on. I made a LOT of bad choices.

Now over the past few years I have made a lot of changes in my life. I don't really party, but I do enjoy dancing. If I can go dancing every couple of months than I'm happy. I can dance, if the music is good, until 2am. I quit smoking 6 years ago - best decision of my life. I do still drink but I drink carefully and thoughtfully.

Thoughfully?
YES.
I count my drinks and I watch my clock.
Approximately 1 drink an hour.
I NEVER drive after I've had even ONE drink.
I get a TAXI.

Those are basic thoughts about alcohol, but for me, those took some changes in my life to realize that it needed to change. I also do not drink to RELAX, or FEEL BETTER. If I need to do that then I turn to God. He's my sustainer and my JOY.

Now, I'm saying all of this matter-of-fact but....I have a problem. I find myself laughing and enjoying these memories of WHO I WAS.

Really?
REALLY.

See the thing is, I liked ME. I liked me then. I did not like my insecurity, but I had "fun" and when I go down memory lane it makes me smile...

Romans 6:6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.

Colossians 3:9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds.

A glance at these verses, through my heart and back at that shirt in my closet. Have I really accepted that I should not relish WHO I WAS. I was LOST. I was filling my empty heart with things...things like ALCOHOL and PARTIES. I was seeking attention in ALL THE WRONG PLACES. How can I enjoy such thoughts - thoughts that my God and Father weep to think about.

Christ died so I could strip all of that off. Like something bad I should BURN THEM, not relish in them. How can I help others that are experiencing that VOID then one that they are trying to fill if I'm telling them, "hahaha, yeah, I did the same."

I can't.
And...it's a lie.

That old favorite shirt?
It needs to burn.
The joy of those deeds?
Needs to go away.

Ephesians 4:24 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

My question for you is...
DO YOU HAVE SOME OLD SHIRTS TO BURN????

Peasant or Princess?

2011-03-28T18:07:00.000-04:00

When the world doesn't fit so good.

I have been doing my study on Crazy Love, which has been very challenging. The last chapter that we worked on was lukewarm. I once wrote a blog about being lukewarm. Maybe I will post it again.

I had to challenge myself this past week and figure out what area, out of the 18 listed, is the one that I need to work on the most. I am sure that after taking care of one step the obvious choice is to work on the next step...so that you no longer can be described as lukewarm. I have a looooonnnng way to go, but over the weekend I came to a conclusion of my biggest fault.

And I have no idea how to fix this issue.

You see, I live in an awesome neighborhood with people that I love dearly. These women have been there through some seriously rough times. They pray for me and my family. They are good women.

They are all very different from me.

This weekend we all went to St. Augustine. I would have been happy dressing up as an old-timey person and chasing chickens and these ladies wanted fine dining. From the experience I just realized that I am more of the peasant and they are the princesses. It does not mean that I do not love them, I'm just different.

As my first real outing with no drinking (32 days and counting now) I looked at my evening a lot differently than I normally would. I had a blast as we are all quite entertaining to be around. Just as sisters...you will find us throwing stuff at each other, pulling hair and punching arms. What I came to realize though that besides completely missing my husband...

I just found that I spent the weekend trying to be worldly...

And I missed God.

I know that it is not a bad thing to enjoy good things, but I was left feeling guilty and misplaced. It was a weird feeling to feel, especially being with women that I care about a lot.

What does that mean for me?
What does that mean for my friendships?

As I spent the weekend and they spoke about the next girls trip and the next couples trip and the hotels and restaurants...I just have to ask why am I going? Am I going to please my friends and the world? Am I going because it's expected of me? Am I going because if I don't I will not have a closer relationship with these friends?

How different am I?
What makes me different?

When I left, despite all the laughter, I had a overwhelming feeling of sadness. It was confirmation that I am more of a peasant than a princess...so where do I fit in?

It is as if I am trying to please the world instead of pleasing God.

....

Welcome Home!

2011-03-24T09:38:00.000-04:00

Today marks a very special day in my life. My niece Audrey was born today! My sister-in-law had several days of labor to try and get that little butterball out, but out she finally came at 1am!

Audrey has been wanted for a while. As soon as my brother-in-law was married I was ready to be an auntie again. My nieces and nephews are older than my own kids...who are 12, 13 & 14. I am ready for another little baby in my life to spoil.

We went on vacation last year and when they arrived on Saturday night they arrived with EXCITING NEWS - they were pregnant! Oh my joy was overflowing! I was going to have a sweet little something.

As soon as I had a moment I sent a text to both of my sisters. Oh, they were excited and happy for them. I consider my bro-n-law and sis-n-law as my real brother and sister. I love them very deeply and my sisters new that. :) That was the last text/conversation that I had with Amy...she died that Friday. The cancer had completed it's task.

I was so thankful that I had the joy of becoming an aunt again at the point that I was losing my sister. It has helped me to know joy when I could have wallowed in pain. Instead I held on even more to my sister-in-law who was there when I got the news of Amy's passing...she watched me cry, she watched me finish making dinner for the family. Judy has been there when our daughter Maria first came to visit us and when she officially became our daughter. Judy came just in time to experience all of these life changing events with me (us).

Now I get to experience this life changing event with her. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I am so blessed to have this sweet little niece.

Its just a new beginning.

I completion of the life cycle from death, pregnancy to birth.

Such a whirlwind of emotions I have felt over the past few years: joy, sadness, regret, fear...such big things I have tackled in my life and such great gifts God has blessed me with all at the same time. I truly am blessed.

Little Audrey.

I love you.

I celebrate you.

I am here for you...all the days I have on this Earth.

I pray for you.

Every day.

Love,

Aunt Bubba <3

The Dig...

2011-03-21T22:07:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my bible study. I posted what I wanted us to do during the week this past week since we did not meet. It was a challenge. A challenge to see if we are, in fact, lukewarm.

That chapter was seriously challenging for me.
Eye opening.

Yes.
I am lukewarm.

What a sad and disturbing thing to realize about yourself. I am really trying to step out on faith and do what God wants me to do, but it's difficult. Just trying to read and prepare for this bible study is difficult. Running my family and keeping my head above water is difficult.

Difficult.

------------------------

I haven't drank in quite some time now: 23 days to be exact. But who's counting? It seems like an eternity. I have had two social occasions now that I would have normally drank at. It was interesting being in that moment without SOMETHING to drink. I had coffee and water and everyone became sillier and louder and here I was...sober. The other really agonizing time is at dinner, just as we are wrapping up and I'm trying to figure out the schedule for showers and bedtime: there is ALWAYS an argument,chaos and it's in that moment that there is nothing I would like more than a beer.

I have been walking away in the evening and getting relaxed or in the shower. I just do not have the patience for it. At least not yet. Tommy has been allowing me to leave while he orchestrates that time. I do not want to be screaming at everybody - loosing my mind.

That's what I've been doing.
Without a beer in the evening.
At that moment.

Emotional drinking.

Not a good thing.
Rather eye opening.

In those moments ... my quitting drinking experience resembles when I quit smoking several years ago and I have to wonder how addicted I am to just having that beer? Even though I didn't have it every night in those moments in consumes me.

I am pretty sure I have decided how long I will be quitting for. As I said before, I felt like God wanted me to quit. I was not sure for how long...but it was an urging from within me that I needed to comply. The nagging would not stop until I did. When I did quit I made a commitment to God that I would not quit until he said it was okay. Not sure how that works but I do have a feeling about a time frame.

I believe that the time frame may be somewhere between 5 - 7 years. A long time, right? Yeah, I feel like it is a really long time. I am not fully committed to that length of time, but it might just be my reality. I believe that if it's what the Lord wants of me then I will do it.

My kids will be 17, 18 and 19 in five years.
Now THATS a scary thought!

-----------------

So I have been pondering the part of lukewarm that resembles me the best. I had several that I think I teeter-totter within:

3) I have a desire to fit inside church and outside church - I care more about what people and MYSELF think than what God thinks.

5) I am moved by stories of people doing radical things for Christ but personally never act on it.

8) Say they love Jesus and he is part of my life, but only a part.

11) I will serve God and others but there are limits of how far I will go or how much time, money, or energy I am willing to give.

13) I am thankful for all the comforts and luxuries that I have but rarely give as much as possible to the poor.

14) I do whatever I need to do to keep from feeling too guilty.

15) I continually play it safe; slave to the God of control.

16) I feel secure because I attend church, made a profession of faith, was baptized, come from a Christian family, vote republican and live in America. Don't all Christian Americans go to heaven?

These are my top assailants.
These are the things that make me lukewarm.

Now...time for me to go and dig deeper...

A challenge of your love and faith...

2011-03-15T13:40:00.001-04:00

CRAZY LOVE

Chapter 4: Profile for the Lukewarm

***CHALLENGE***Read the following information and then challenge YOURSELF below the 18 “symptoms”

YOU MIGHT BE LUKEWARM IF…

1) Attend church regularly (Isaiah 29:13)

2) Give money to charity and to the church...as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living. (1 Chronicles 21:24; Luke 21:1-4)

3) They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions than what God thinks of their hearts and lives. (Luke 6:26, Revelation 3:1; Matthew 23:5-7)

4) Don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin (John 10:10; Romans 6:1-2)

5) Moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act (James 1:22, James 4:17; Matthew 21:28-31)

6) Rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends (Matthew 10:32-33)

7) Gauge their morality or "goodness" by comparing themselves to the secular world (Luke 18:11-12)

8) Say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed a part of their lives...but only a part. (Luke 9:57-62)

9) Love God, but they do not love Him with all their heart, soul, and strength (Matthew 22:37-38)

10) Love others but do not seek to love others more than themselves (Matthew 5:43-47; Luke 14:12-14)

11) Will serve God and others but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give (Luke 18:21-25)

12) Think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven (Phillipians 3:18-20;Collossions 3:2)

13) Are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor (Matthew 25:34, 40; Isaiah 58:6-7)

14) Do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty (1 Chronicles 29:14; Matthew 13:44-46)

15) Are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control (1 Timothy 6:17-18; Matthew 10:28)

16) Feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America (Matthew 7:21; Amos 6:1)

17) Do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to (Luke 12:16-21)

18) Probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbeliever (Matthew 23:25-28)

Pick the one characteristic that weighs the heaviest on your heart. It might be the one that you feel the most guilt of (that’s how I feel) or the one that seems the most challenging)…spend 15-20 minutes getting to the HEART of this lukewarm characteristic.

Why do I do this?

Why do I feel this way about this?

What’s stopping me?

DIG DEEP.

Find verses that combat this characteristic. Use biblegateway.com if you do not have a bible…do word searches. Find what God says about that characteristic and how to be encouraged and how to overcome it. I have a concordance if anyone would like to use it!

PRAY.

Ask God to help you battle this sin.

Think of one or two tangible things you can do this week to help you fight against this lukewarm characteristic. It may be fasting for some, or getting up earlier to pray, taking a walk by yourself, or even talking with your children.

Start challenging YOURSELF and stepping out for YOU!

For those of you that come and meet with me on Tuesday – be prepared to share about your journey this week: the highs and lows. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as we go forward. What a challenging chapter this has been…and will be for another week to set on my heart! Love you ALL!!!!

Happy Birthday Baby!

2011-03-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

In two hours my oldest daughter will turn 14 years old. That's completely amazing, scary and mind-boggling all at the same time.

Where has the time gone?

Many of you might not know the history of my oldest daughter, Maria. We only discovered her existence a little more than three years ago. Seriously. Just like on the movies...our Plain Jane reality show's husband got a phone call - we have your granddaughter. From there we went through DNA testing, court hearings, and then finally we were able to meet our daughter. A month of so later we were moving her into our home.

Such a crazy roller coaster that time was. There was a lot of adjusting to a new child with weird habits. We had our normal house rules that she never had and we were conforming her into our world as she was adapting. Oh, it was hard. It was hard on all of us, but we loved her and she loved us...and God was just AMAZING during the entire process.

In my life that was the most dramatic experience where you could turn your head, glance behind your shoulder through the years of time and calculate every step along the way; every question of why God? Every battle in our young marriage? Our instant family...one thing after another and each one was God molding, guiding, correcting and preparing us for THAT moment in time.

Truly astonishing.

Even the relationship with the women on my block, our church home that we had just received, our newly dependence on God had just been established...all the cards lined up and VOILA - the gift was delivered. Wrapped in a tiny red bow.

Our beautiful Maria.

As she turns 14 of course I am filled with the thoughts of her future high school life and all the things she is going to face there. Pressure of this thing or that thing. I just pray that, unlike myself, that she can have the confidence in who she is...that God made her beautiful and deserving of so much more than the crap that she will be fed. I just pray she doesn't make the same mistakes that I made...because I made way to many.

Happy Birthday my BIG baby girl!

Who ARE you?

2011-03-04T10:54:00.002-05:00

I am real.
Completely.
Totally.
Unfortunately.

You see, it is true that I write about the things in my life that I feel pressing on my heart. These things that I stumble across are usually at the moment that I have realized I am completely lacking in that area.

I do not write these things about OTHER PEOPLE...but rather about myself. I am a Christ follower. What does that mean? Well other than all of the stuff that I have a feeling most of you know...it means that I recognize that I am not good enough to be loved by a flawless God. I believe that there is only one way to get to heaven...and that's by accepting this truth.

Some people think that Christians are haughty because they we believe we are going to heaven. Honestly, in the end...I don't know who's going to be there. Only based on the truths that I believe within the depths of me has I walked down this path.

And this path is NOT easy.
Being a Christian?
It's not easy!

I live the same life as everyone else. Same problems...I just have the reassurance that no matter what happens - God has a plan. That takes my stress level from a 10 to about a 2. I wish I could say that I never worry...but worry a lot less than non-Christians that I know.

My best...is not good enough.

Do you know the verse "We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." The translation of filthy rags actually refers to menstrual rags. You know...a used tampon? That's as good as our BEST is to God...in comparison to his perfection.

Do you feel a little humbled by that?
I know I do.
a LOT.

***********

That being said - I feel like a waste of space today!

I'm tired.
Drained.
Exhausted.

My bought of worrying yesterday (which is so dumb) set me into a state of exhaustion today. Now, a day that I need to prepare for a birthday and the very soon birth of my niece and I am just sitting here.

Very overwhelmed.
and very tired.

You see?
I'm completely human.
I completely suck often.

*************

Tell me about YOU!!!!

Amazing Talent

2011-03-02T22:43:00.005-05:00

The creator looked at the wood, checked it's strength, quality and ability and began to make his plan. He could see exactly what this wood would be perfect for.

He cut the wood, carved it, and banged on it. He put wires in it so complex and tight no amount of surety could believe that the wood would be able to handle it.

He molded it.
Shaped it.
Twisted and turned it into his vision.

After the masterpiece was dissected and reconnected it was the moment of truth. The test of the makers amazing ability to create something so AMAZING out of something so plain. Not only is this thing beautiful to the eyes...what it does to the soul is something far more beautiful.

He tuned it.
He stroked it.
It became alive.

Its purpose is declared and defined. Each of it's keys holds a promise of a note. It can be played solo or in an accompaniment. It can lead and it can follow. If given the chance to allow it's creator to play it - it can make those around it cry.

After the creator created his masterpiece he sold it to a customer. He prayed that the piano would be used to echo throughout the halls and homes. As any piano should...it should echo the love and dedication that the creator put forth into it. It should reverberate the creator. It's impact, if given what it deserves, should last from generation to generation. That the impact of it's sound would bring grown men to weep at it's beauty. Oh the creator of that beautiful formed and fine tuned piano had great aspirations for it's ability to touch those around it.

And so the piano left the building.
Everything it needed to be an AMAZING piano was built within it.

The owner left with great promise of grandeur. He would allow the piano to honor the creator.

Days passed.
Months.
Years.

The owner forgot about the piano. He forgot how to play the piano. He forgot all about the promise he made to the creator to allow the piano to reach it's excellence. Instead the piano collected dust in the corner.

Every once in a while the owner would open the key cover, sit down on the bench, and stroke his fingers along the beautifully carved keys. Then, as his children watched in amazement he would play something. Something beautiful yet quaint. To children even the silliest of songs played upon the piano sounds like an orchestra! Then the keys were once again covered and the piano sat.

The owner did not take care of his piano. He never had it tuned, rarely cleaned and polished it, and in general disregarded it.

The owner aged.
So did the piano.
The owner, over time, died.
The piano was wasted.

The children of the owner regarded the piano indifferently. What purpose did the piano truly bring to the home? Only a handful of memories at best. None of the children were taught how to play the piano...and after seeing the piano was decayed beyond repair or recognition decided to dispose of it. It was left, abandoned on the shore. It did no more there than it did in the hall of the owner's home. It's only beauty at the end was that the dead piano finally had been put to rest.

It was no longer neglected.

The creator, once he learned of the misuse and neglect he wept. He wept not only for the piano in which he created, but for the owner who had such an amazing gift that he let perish. The sounds of that specific piano will not echo an eternity. It will not even pour forth into the next generation. It will be washed away, just as the owner was.

******************

The past two years have been very trying and difficult for me.  I did not have an amazing relationship with God, the creator.  In fact, I held onto His promises but not depend on Him for my very breath.  

The more I walk closer to Him through prayers, studying His word, and realizing, once again that not only does He exist, but I need Him close to me.  I need that relationship.  I need that encouragement as I walk each day.

Every morning.

Every evening.

Everywhere in between.

As I walk through the past few weeks and find myself spiritually revitalized there is something new within me.  

A spark.

My ability to write is no longer eluding me. God’s gift, talent within me that cries out His love and mercy!  It can no longer be contained.  It can no longer be hidden and ignored.

My heart cries out for the Lord.

My talent is letting it come out onto paper,

Or host to those that need love and encouragement.

These gifts and abilities I have are not to be ignored any more.  

****************

Do YOU have talents that you keep hidden?

Or that you have forgotten?

Bottoms UP!

2011-02-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

Moses murdered.
Moses argued with God about His plan.
In the end, what if Moses had not stopped to listen?
What if Moses had refused the request?

Moses DID listen and saved Israel.
Numerous times.

It's true that had Moses decided to not listen to God and obey that God surely would have called another man up for the job. But Moses was his first pick. The job would have gotten done one way or another...but had Moses not done it - look what he would have missed?! He would have missed the great exodus! Seeing God write the ten commandments and many more AMAZING things that God allowed Moses to see.

Had he not done that...
It would have been a sin...

James 4:17 "Remember, it is

a sin to know what you

ought to do and then not do it."

Moses did not understand WHY God called him to do what he did. He saw all of the wrongs of his life, the inability of his character and the flaws of his personality - but God saw more. When we work for God, even when we do not understand it - God can do AMAZING THINGS through us.

Ephesians 3:20 "Now all glory

to God, who is able, through

his mighty power at work within

us, to accomplish infinitely

more than we might ask or think."

****************

REGRET

Have you ever known someone who lives every day as if it were their last? I have known a few that were like that. My sister lived that way the last two years of her life. She had a clear perspective on life and what living really is.

It's allowing God to use you in any and every way He wants to.

What if we just listened for a minute to what God is whispering into our ears and heart? I think that most everyone has the possibility of having an AMAZING PURPOSE for God's kingdom! If a person is willing - then God will use it! If you are unwilling then he will just find someone else!

Do you ever wonder if, when we get to Heaven that not only will we have to give an account of everything that we do...but that he will show us what he actually HAD PLANNED?

We all know that God's plans are amazing! Can you imagine, if you completely let go of yourself, what God could do with you? Why do we want to fit God into our little Life Plan Box? You know...we will see God on our times, pray when we want to, etc...

We put God in a...

Don't you think...that maybe...God's plan for your life is far more AMAZING than your plan for your life? He uses people to do EXTRAORDINARY THINGS!

Aren't you just a little bit curious????

****************

My Change.

I recently started the Bible study that I felt God wanted me to start a year and a half ago. I mentioned it even then...and I set it on the back burner. Why would God want me to host a Bible study? I'm not even good at leading a group. I do not know my Bible that well. I don't pray well... The list goes on and on why I had not began my study.

It took my new neighbor saying, "I feel like God wants me to start a Bible study with you guys."

You see that? I had ignored his request and He was passing it along. To someone who was probably going to be more obedient than I was. She had led ladies ministries in other churches. She was FAR MORE talented than I was!

As soon as that occurred I knew what I had to do!

Tomorrow is week 4 of a Bible study that meets in my home.

I do not know WHY God wanted me to start this Bible study but here I am, Lord! I am being obedient! I am sorry that it took me a year and a half! Thank you for giving me one more nudge before you replaced me!

And it is like that....

Just as that Bible study was placed on my heart and I then began to ignore it over time...the feeling of needing to quit drinking was exactly the same. I cannot begin to explain to you that sense of PUSHING that you can get at times from God.

This was a push.

I had planned to postpone the quitting of drinking - until I could more clearly understands God's plan and God's timeline. Then I began to recite the sin of omission...and what if I missed something AMAZING?!!!

God has a plan and a reason for placing this on my heart. I do not know for HOW LONG I will not be drinking but I did tell him to let me know AS SOON AS I CAN! :)

So that's it.

I'm being obedient.

God is great! God is good!

I have no doubt that there is a reason.

One day...I will look back and know the WHY.

Wrestling God...

2011-02-24T22:05:00.003-05:00

It has been 7 months since my sister escaped the pain of this world. Seven months is not that long, yet seems like FOREVER. Where has all this time gone? Living in Florida it seems that summer is already here - at that translates to my heart as "it's been a year."

My life has changed a lot over the past seven months. As soon as I returned from the funeral the kids started school and I took on another little boy in Boppy Land. We recently switched churches and I feel more grounded (not being tossed by the waves). I recently started a Ladies Bible Study in my home...even if it currently is just three of us.

After the past few years and the continual MAJOR CHANGES that God was bringing to my door...this year the question is - well what now? What now Lord? What would you have me do?

I had a good time on New Years. I let go and I drank quite a bit. I let my hair down...maybe even a little too much. Once my husband and I got home it was apparent that I really upset my husband. My behavior, as far as he was concerned, was unacceptable.

He was right.

After loosing my sister there have been moments that I have crossed over the threshold just trying to let my hair down. But at what cost?

Since New Years I have had an UNBELIEVABLE inward PUSH to stop drinking. I find this inward nag to be quite irritating as I enjoy having a beer very very much. A beer every evening while I cook dinner, even if it takes two hours to drink, was my norm. I cook with wine and beer so why not have a drink while I make it? When I say that I like beer...I mean I love robust beers. Red beers, dark beers...beer with flavor. Maybe it is my German genetics but I have liked beer since I was in high school and my taste has only become more refined.

I have not completely ignored the voice, the push, the conviction pulsating through my thoughts...but I have not accepted it as my truth.

Yet.

I know who's making that phone call and all I keep thinking is...
SAY WHAT????!!!!!

As a Christian I believe that it is okay for a person to drink.

1 Timothy 5:23 "Stop drinking only water,

and use a little wine because of your

stomach and your frequent illnesses."

Not to mention Jesus turned water into wine.

So where is the sin in my having a beer? I can only tell you that this feeling of not drinking has only gotten heavier and more consistent. I thought in time it would go away. I keep asking why God would not allow me to do this? Is this for just a time or is this the rest of my life? Does this need to be completely no drinking...or just one every once-in-a-while?

I told my husband about this and of course he looked at me funny and said, "Don't expect me to stop drinking." I had to laugh. I guess he thought it was going to be like when I quit smoking. For that - he HAD to quit with me.

When I analyzed my alcohol usage and my desire to drink it is true that when the little kids were getting crazy and my nerves were wearing thin I would think..."what I wouldn't give to drink a beer right now." Every time I opened the fridge at nap time it was as if they were starring at me.

I have come to realize that I was depending on that beer in the fridge to get me through my day than my God.

As I said, I have not completely committed to not drinking but I can tell you that the amount of drinks that I have had since New Years is drastically less than my life BEFORE New Years. My craving for it has practically dissipated. Even though I have not made that commitment I have an overwhelming GUILT about having a beer...and just that emotion is quite confusing for me.

WHAT?

WHY?

I guess that this, for whatever reason...is God taking me on my next adventure. Before I fully commit to this crazy decision I want to make sure that what I am doing is completely of God so that I do not backslide on it. If he wants me to do this for life than for LIFE it is. If this is just a temporary thing or just a put me in perspective thing...then I will commit to that.

It's just crazy.

CRAZY!

My friends, my neighbors...we all drink! We drink casually. Sometimes we drink a little bit more together than we should. Its drastically different when you are the only one not drinking. How is this going to change my relationships? Should I care about those relationships or should I focus more on my relationship with God...and the rest will work itself out?

Can I seriously enjoy a virgin margarita on the beach with my husband as much as I can a regular margarita? What about the few occasions that we sneak off together and have a beer? Just he and I?

What are the guidelines to this insanity????

***********

Has there ever been a moment in your life when you feel God pressing on you? As if he is asking for a significant part of who you are to change?

Do you just think I'm crazy????

To my friends...

2011-01-26T23:28:00.000-05:00

As I sat in church this evening I couldn't help to think of each and every one of you. The pastor wasn't talking about anything specific that would point into the direction of one's neighbors or one's friends...but rather our walk in life.

The journey.

The entire lesson was located and fixed on Psalms 1:1-3. Thirty minutes on three verses seems a bit much, but it was entirely and amazingly interesting.

"Oh, the joys (peace) of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with scoffers. But they delight in doing everything the Lord wants; day and night they think about his law. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season without fail. Their leaves never wither, and in all they do, they prosper."

Oh to delight in the Lord!

The past few years have been a major adjustment for me: finding out I had a daughter and then the week she moved in with us we found out my sister had terminal cancer. A positive blow and a negative blow. I was grasping at straws to get out of bed every morning and show my children love and keep balance in a family that had been turned upside down...and keep my emotions in check as the roller coaster of my sisters health kept me always guessing.

Even though I never lost sight of God during the past two years - I held onto him like a buoy in the ocean and he kept me afloat. I did not, however, have a relationship with him.

Falling away from God is a slow and gradual process that once you find yourself there - you don't really know how it happened? Only that the fire within you seems quiet and dead. A part of who you are no longer exists and the only way I can describe it was of being abandoned. Even as I say that...and when I would think that...I would know that God had not abandoned me - I just stopped searching.

During my struggles I know that you women were the hands and feet of Christ and were praying for me and loving me even when my fortress was built hard and tall around me. That fortress was impenetrable as I needed to be strong to get through all the changes. No tears here...tears are for sissies.

For whatever reason my journey has brought me to a new church where I am beginning to feel renewed again in the spirit. I do not believe that my previous church was anything less than my new church - but rather it was time for me to begin a new walk. As I take this new walk, this journey, I am watching as several of you are now going to church that were not going to church. I know that each of you love the Lord and loved the Lord even when you were not going to church...but in my heart I see God is moving. He is moving within us and among each of us.

The three points from tonight sermon:
1) Attitude - delight and desire God's word.
   1 Peter 2:2-3 "Delight in the word..."
   Pslams 119:24-25 Delight! Delight! Delight!

2) Action - Meditation (reflecting on God's word)
   Meditation is a 24 hour awareness of God's principles, presence, and powers

3) Discipline - Keep on meditating and make it your lifestyle
   Col 3:16 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly..."

We are all going through personal struggles in our families and personal lives. Although we share many things with each other we all know that for everything one burden we share we have 10 burdens that we don't. Over a year ago I came to Myrna with a desire to start a bible study. I let it fall to the side. A year later (October) Erica wanted to do the same thing. Again...I set it aside. How awesome would it be to meditate together?!!! I do not think that all of us going on this journey of life together as sisters/friends/neighbors is a coincidence. We are here to love, support, and encourage each other. I have decided that the only way to start something is to actually START something. To be able to have a weekly time of prayer and study with you guys would be an amazing thing to have!

Tuesday, February 1st at 1pm.
One hour.
I will have little snacks to munch on.
The little kids will be napping.

For those of you that work and cannot attend, which I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND I would like you to be a part of this group. In what way you might ask? Well...tell us what you need us to pray about when we get together. Share your burdens so that we can pray for you and your family.

So that's it.
Hope I'll see you here!
Love you ALL!

PS ~ RSVP me! :)