The pilot light is OUT.

Six months have nearly come and gone since my sister passed away.  Mourning is such a weird thing to experience, especially due to my desire to not be depressed or sad.  Amy wouldn't have had it any other way.  I miss my sister deeply and be connected to her through her facebook page it is clear that others are having the increased of longing for her at this time.

Is mourning on a time line?
Or is it the season?

I guess it would be like this forever.
My sister is frozen in time.
Forever young.

During the summer last year I began to bake less due to the extreme hot Florida weather.  The house is hard enough to keep cool...running an oven makes it even hotter.  I assumed that when winter hit my house would become another baking zone.  When I would bake it did make me feel as though I was closer to her.  I would often worry that my baking would make her sad, but overall she would come away happy that I was doing it.

When you lose someone they tell you that you will feel closer to them when you do certain things.  I thought that I would bake this winter and that it would allow me to feel closer to my sister.  I feel quite contrary to that...for I do not want to cook.  I don't want to bake at all.  When I think about baking for just a moment I get excited and the gruesome task of baking takes over.

Even simple things...like brownies...
or rice krispy treats

I recognize that my life changed shortly after Amy died in more ways then just losing my sister.  Two weeks after returning home from the funeral the kids started school and I began to watch one more child full time.  I know that those changes did impair my stamina and desire to bake...but after much thought I think I realize the full depth of it.

You see, I am a Christian.  I believe in Heaven and I believe in Hell.  Although I may not be certain if you get a direct ticket to heaven the moment you die or if you rest in peace until Jesus comes again...I do believe that EVENTUALLY if you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and you live life according to that basic fundamental belief guiding your life that you will go to Heaven.  I believe that whole heartedly.

There was a time that I believe that if you died you had a one-way ticket to Heaven, which may or may not be the case.  At the time I had those thoughts I also believed that if someone was in Heaven that I could easily   talk to them and they could keep an eye over me in the here and now.  My view on those thoughts have changed significantly as my reading and studying of the Bible has increased.

If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe that she is not an angel.  I believe that God has angels and that we humans are different then angels.  Therefore when a Christian dies they do not become an angel, rather they are a child of God and go to Heaven where they will have a role/job in the presence and and continually worshiping of God.  Now that leads me to know that my sister is not watching me over like a guardian angel.  (Matthew 22:30)

If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe she can't hear my suffering.  Maybe she can hear my shouts and tears of joy but she cannot sense my pain or sorrow.  To even say that I could speak to her and ask her to pray for this painful thing or that painful thing (come on!  she's right there by God's ear...what sister WOULDN'T be praying for her family)...because pain is not a part of Heaven.  Heaven is bliss.  Heaven is no more suffering.  She cannot look at Earth because Earth and all it contains is a place of pain and suffering.  Yes, there are joyful things here, but there is pain.

We have all felt it.
You too.

These realizations have me sitting in what seems like a state of confusion.  I am thankful that my sister is no longer in pain.  I miss her dearly and feel an overwhelming statement to her that goes something like this..."Where the hell are you?  You are supposed to be here!"  She is not here, and that is my reality.  I think that based on my beliefs I am irritated by baking.  I'm irritated that it doesn't make me feel closer to her...rather it makes me feel farther from her.

She can't hear me.
She can't see that I'm baking.
She can't tell me that she's glad I'm doing that.

She was my baking enthusiast!
She was my encourager.

I built up my baking in an attempt to let her live her non-baking self through me for two years.  It made the 1000+ miles between us seem bearable.  It wasn't until recently that I truly understood that's what baking meant to me.  I wanted her to be proud of me!  I wanted to show her that I could pass that love that she had on to my children and onto my niece and nephew.  The reality is though...that it feels dead.

My desire to bake is dead.
And this makes me sad.

It makes me sad for it was an outlet that I was able to share with others.  I enjoyed baking for others and there are many more people and opportunity to share God's love and mercy with people...all through baking. It's a great introduction to a caring relationship with someone who needs that.  It's part of the hands and feet of Christ that I enjoyed doing.

Yet baking is not igniting within me.
Funny...but my blogging hasn't been either.

So I ask...WHAT AM I TO DO???

And then there were 2.

I may or may not have enlightened you guys with our Christmas.  I feel as though I may have left a few minor details out.

One of which was a Christmas present.

We bought the kids mice.

I have to tell you that I do NOT buy anything that requires me to clean a cage, kennel, aquarium, litter box, etc.  I have dogs which means I can open my door and they run outside to do their dirty work.  They can also be walked around the neighborhood and do it there as well.  I do not like creatures that poop on you when you hold them.

Just not my cup of tea.

When Christmas came around I thought..."The kids do really want oneand I always say no.  They don't cost very much so it would be a really cool present."  I told the hubby and we decided to go for it.  The stipulation was that I was not going to touch them or their living arrangements.  The hubby was the main go-to guy for all thingsmouse.

Three mice: white, tan & gray.

The white one we gave to Sarah because it was the largest of them all and we knew that if anyone where to be too rough with their creature that it would be her.  The smallest (gray) was given to our son, Tony, for he has always shown the most responsibility and care for things.  Maria got the tan guy.

Originally these little guys were parked into their hamster palace in the hallway.  Unfortunately, the salesman was correct in telling us that mice are THE SMELLIEST of all rodents.  I, the person who lacks the ability to smell things...would GAG every time I passed the hall.  It did not matter if the cage was cleaned yesterday...it just smelledthat bad.

Last week I moved the mice into the kids bathroom.  I then proceeded to turn on the fan and shut the door.  The door had to remain SHUT at all times so that the entire house would not stink.

Once it warmed up they were moved outside.

A few days ago I witnessed Maria and Sarah jumping on the trampoline with their mice.  The mice were on the trampoline while they jumped.  I actually thought to myself...that might be a quick fix to the smelly problem.  

Yesterday while I was making dinner Maria and Tony were jumping on the trampoline.  Sarah, who is currently grounded, informed me that she was worried because they had her mouse out there and she did not want it hurt.  I told her to get it and put it back.  

Done.

It was not until dinner time that Sarah came to me and expressed concern about the gray mouse.  Apparently he fell off the trampoline?  There was concern over a broken leg.  I did not hear the whole story completely because by this time Tony is mad at Sarah for coming to us and Tommy and I realize we've got a problem on our hands.  The hubby retrieved the gray mouse from the hut and the poor guy was just laying there.  He was alive but not being the funny, cute and sweet little mouse he usually is.

Yes.  

He's cute and sweet.

Even if he smells.

Since we could not determine if anything was broken we did not kill him out of mercy.  We were just unsure of the situation.  The hubby was going to have our son kill it so that he could understand that you have to protect the little creatures...and if they are suffering you put them out of their misery.

But we did not do that.

This morning before school we discovered Rocky buried underneath the bedding...dead.  Apparently he was on his way out last night.  

I see my kids at this age where stupidity is in every equation.  They look forward to reactions from their actions but for whatever reason they cannot comprehend the danger, hurt, or anger they may get as their reaction to their action.

Know what I mean?

So...now there are two.

Killer Chocolate!!!!

I have been having one of those days.  Maybe even one of those weeks.  It is clearly similar to those that are identified as P. M. S.

I am not sure if that is what is to blame, but they are oddly similar to the feelings I have and the venom that has been spewing out of me.  My sister, Tracy, was dying laughing as I recalled the events of Christmas Day...and although those said events are funny today, they were not funny at that very moment.

This is all leading up to something.

Something that should have helped me get this sheer frustration that has enveloped me, but instead of assisting it sent me into the biggest tizzy over something clearly not that important.

Or is it?

To all of my friends out there that are women...we all know the power of chocolate.  One moment we want to kill someone and after tearing open that little morsel of goodness...it's as though some alcohol has been released in the body.  The body relaxing just a little bit and your eyes may even roll back in your head.  

Ahhhh....

You can feel it right?  How you feel when you bite into that dark or milk chocolate-E goodness.

My chocolate of choice?

Dove dark chocolate.  It's dark yet it's smooth.  I enjoy their milk chocolate as well but apparently I am so sweet that I need to counter it with bitter chocolate.

That's what I tell myself at least.  :)

Not only do I love the chocolate...I love that there are little notes to me INSIDE the wrapper.  

"Happiness is celebrating the little things."

"Listen to your heart and dance."

"Be a little mysterious."

"Chocolate always loves you back."

You get the point, right?  Not only does this chocolate taste spectacular but it tells me good things.  Things that make me calm down and smell the chocolate.  It brings happiness not only on my taste buds, calms my nerves and lowers my cholesterol, but it also says nice things to me.  Reminders of how I should live.

Until now.

In all my stress I broke into my dark chocolate goodness, placed it on my tongue and awaited the surge to hit...and as I did I remembered my wrapper.  Excited as though I was opening a Christmas present I looked upon as the chocolate lay melting on my tongue.

Only to read something about adding pebbles to my tree stand....

WHAT???!!!

It was as though the soothing of the chocolate vanished and the angry PMS girl came flying back into me.  So here I sit at my computer with all my Dove chocolate laid open so I can tell you what CRAP they put in the wrappers.

"Fill a glass jar with candies and wrap it with a festive bow"

"Create a whimsical wreath with gumdrops."

"Instead of exchanging gifts, put money towards a family trip."

"Make a wreath of gingerbread dusted with sugar."

"Roll ice cream scoops in coconut for snowman inspired treats."

"Ornaments add inexpensive sparkle to the table."

"Use colored beads to make beautiful ornaments."

"Wrap presents in vintage linens from holidays past."

"Try roast goose instead of turkey for an old-world menu."

"Make and freeze hors d'oeuvres in advance."

There are more but I think you get the point.  I love cooking.  I love baking. I love entertaining.  I do NOT like being reminded of things I need to do when I am enjoying a fine piece of chocolate...

ESPECIALLY when suffering from depression OR PMS.

So...I do not know if DOVE needs to make a bag specifically for those that need uplifting words...but there at LEAST needs to be a warning on the package for those that are, indeed, suffering from PMS to not buy this bag of chocolate because instead of soothing your anger it will provoke you to write a nasty blog about Martha Stewart.

Oh yeah...I forgot to mention that...and as you look at the list of quotes above you will see Martha Stewart written ALL OVER IT.

Yes.

Martha Stewart will NOT cure your PMS or even help it a little bit.  She will destroy you and all things calming to you INCLUDING the love of your Dove Dark Chocolate.

So...

Have you had any of this spectacular chocolate?  

Have you read the advice that she's giving you?

How does it make you feel?

I think I need to see a shrink. =P

Love

When I left my job a few months ago...it was nearly that week that our neighbor's husband past away.  He was terminally ill and she is the sweetest little old lady you ever did meet. 

At that moment I thought, now God, isn't that interesting that this would happen.  You see, while I was working I was never able to make it down there to visit Ms. Jane.  The kids would always be there getting lolly-pops from her and I would wave daily as I drove back and forth in front of her house. 

But that was it.

The day after her husband passed away was the day that I was able to walk down to her house and hug this little old lady.   She spoke of the years she had with her Henry and she cried.  My good friend Myrna cried with her and inside my heart cracked a little.  I have much compassion for this woman but a part of me knows that she knows the love of God, knows that she will one day see her husband again and that even though she misses him greatly...she will be reunited.

Since then Ms. Jane has come to one of our neighborhood's ladie's event (monthly bunco) and had a blast.  She will be attending it from now on and she is now surrounded by woman that love and adore her.

Those same woman who live on my street went to Ms. Jane's house and set up Christmas lights and her tree.  They surround her with their love and compassion. 

One of these women even put some pajamas for my kids "from Santa" on our front porch.  I'm still trying to figure out WHO.

*****

The little boy I spoke about...I played with him on the soccer field every game day.  He was my little buddy.  My son and his older brother play soccer today.  My husband and his daddy coached our sons soccer together. 

I find no way to understand how events such as what they have been through happen.  How does one lose their baby boy?  And just before Christmas?

I recognize that there is no "right time" to lose a child.  It is something that even though I try to wrap my brain around to comprehend...there is just no way unless you were to experience it yourself.  Again, compassion is what we are to offer.  When I found out the news...I knew that he was in the arms of God, but I also knew that the pain and grief that their family is experiencing at this time...and it broke my heart.  There is nothing that I can do to "fix this".

This family is an awesome family.  She would give you the shirt off of her back and he has devoted his life to serving his country. 

I ask again for you to say many prayers for his family.  Tonight is the funeral and as a family we will be attending.  My children nor my husband have ever been to a funeral.  This is going to be hard on them.  Even as I say that I think...on them?  This is going to be hard on their family.

*****

When we were returning from my sis-in-law's graduation we received some news.  Two weeks ago I made some appetizers for a young woman in our church.  She was due to deliver her baby girl yesterday. 

Her life has been surrounded by heart ache.  Her father died about 5 years ago...and they had a very close relationship.  While working on her college degree she found herself pregnant and chose to give that child life despite the challenges as a single parent that lay before her.

Her grandfather fell ill and diagnosed with cancer about 4 weeks ago and due to the stress of her impending delivery...her mom sent him to her aunt's home in New Jersey.  He passed away last week.  Unable to go to the funeral because of the impending delivery...mom and daughter stayed home.

Heartbroken.

Saturday, two days before her delivery date, her baby girl was stillborn after an emergency c-section.  They are unsure as to why this happened...no umbilical cord around the neck.  There was spotting and there was no more movement.

This young woman who graduates college in the spring...and her mom...are devastated.

*****

Forget about the Christmas tree.  Forget about the gifts.  This year...there are people hurting all around you.   Give them the gift of LOVE this Christmas.

Any way that you can.

An all American Girl game!

Last night we went on a mini-adventure with my father-in-law that included dinner and a trip to Toys R Us.  The kids already have everything that they want/need and the upcoming Christmas has people asking...what should we get the kids for Christmas?  What better way then a trip to the store.

My youngest desperately wants a hula-hoop.  I, myself, attempted the art of hula-hooping but failed drastically.  Izzy, on the other hand, was able to do two at a time for several minutes.  I never thought that my 10 year old (nearly 11) would want a hula-hoop for Christmas.

After spending some time checking out the new DJ Hero...a glance to the right brought me to this...

It was a corner of complete pinkness in an effort to get some games sold.

Tommy and I had a conversation with the kids about Ouija just the other day.  Why?  I was about their age when I was first introduced to the Ouija board.  It was an event that I will never forget nor will the girls that were there as well.

Now, most of you who read this know that I am a Christian.  To me, it has nothing to do with my Christian upbringing.  Regardless of whether or not I choose Christianity...I feel that there is darkness and there is light.  There is good and there is evil.  Just as much as I have seen wonderful miracles happen before my eyes and sensed a presence of something I could not explain...I have also felt the tingles of something quite the opposite.

You cannot argue with your feelings and intuitions.

When you sense something is not right.

When you feel that something is evil...you heed the warnings.

Thus the children were told to not challenge the things that we do not understand.  Why try to speak to the dead about the living?  It seems that I have heard that somewhere...

Any ways, the Ouija board.

Do kids still have parties and pull one out?  What parents would actually buy this game for their kids?  I mean, even if you did not really contact the dead or demons...who would try?  Those were my thoughts just the other day.  The kids had never heard of one...maybe it just does not happen any more.

And then I came across that.

Marketing.

Apparently it gives you lots of questions you can ask the dead.   

"It has always been mysterious. It has always been mystifying. And now the OUIJA Board is just for you, girl. With 72 fun questions included, you'll never run out of things to ask. Who will call/text me next? Will I be a famous actor someday? Who wishes they could trade places with me?"

Not only can you get the girlie version of this game you can also get it in glow in the dark!

I have been reading reviews and such about the "game" and of course there are two sides.  One side says stay away, it's evil...and the other side says don't be a religious fanatic it's just a game.  I ran across these reviews on Amazon and what I realized was there is a middle-of-the road.  There are those that believe that there are spirits and something unexplainable on this Earth.  Some of these people are religious and others just believe that they are here.  Then there are those that believe we are just people and we are going to live and we are going to die and that is that.

This is coming from someone middle of the road:

"I'm surprised that someone didn't think of making a glow-in-the-dark Ouija board long before this one came out. My only complaint is that both the board and the planchette are a bit smaller than standard- if you are comfortable with the standard board then this can definately be a bit distracting. It will hold a "charge" for approximately 30 minutes. Once again, if you are not used to time limits on your sessions, then this can also prove distracting. My advice is to keep the candles handy.

The talking board is only a tool- neither good nor evil. However, it is a tool far different from divination aids such as the tarot, runes, or the various I Ching methods. With all talking boards you are openly inviting the influence of disembodied entities. Be very careful what you are opening the door to. I wouldn't even consider using it without deep and sincere prayers for protection. Low-level spirits can only influence those who are "vibrating" on the same low level. Examine your motives and your maturity before you experiment here.

To some people tarot cards are just paper, to some this will just be plastic and fiberboard. YOU bring the vital component to the table. It all depends on your sensitivity and connection to the other side." 

Apparently the use of a Ouija and those that collect them and use them often....the practice is called Divination.  Divination is derived from latin meaning "to forsee, to be inspired by a god, related to divine" and is a way to gain insight by way of a process or ritual.

I want this to be an open discussion.

So...discuss!  Have you ever used one?  What was your experience?  What do you feel about advertising so that little girls may or may not be able to open up a gateway to the dead?