The pilot light is OUT.

Six months have nearly come and gone since my sister passed away.  Mourning is such a weird thing to experience, especially due to my desire to not be depressed or sad.  Amy wouldn't have had it any other way.  I miss my sister deeply and be connected to her through her facebook page it is clear that others are having the increased of longing for her at this time.

Is mourning on a time line?
Or is it the season?

I guess it would be like this forever.
My sister is frozen in time.
Forever young.

During the summer last year I began to bake less due to the extreme hot Florida weather.  The house is hard enough to keep cool...running an oven makes it even hotter.  I assumed that when winter hit my house would become another baking zone.  When I would bake it did make me feel as though I was closer to her.  I would often worry that my baking would make her sad, but overall she would come away happy that I was doing it.

When you lose someone they tell you that you will feel closer to them when you do certain things.  I thought that I would bake this winter and that it would allow me to feel closer to my sister.  I feel quite contrary to that...for I do not want to cook.  I don't want to bake at all.  When I think about baking for just a moment I get excited and the gruesome task of baking takes over.

Even simple things...like brownies...
or rice krispy treats

I recognize that my life changed shortly after Amy died in more ways then just losing my sister.  Two weeks after returning home from the funeral the kids started school and I began to watch one more child full time.  I know that those changes did impair my stamina and desire to bake...but after much thought I think I realize the full depth of it.

You see, I am a Christian.  I believe in Heaven and I believe in Hell.  Although I may not be certain if you get a direct ticket to heaven the moment you die or if you rest in peace until Jesus comes again...I do believe that EVENTUALLY if you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and you live life according to that basic fundamental belief guiding your life that you will go to Heaven.  I believe that whole heartedly.

There was a time that I believe that if you died you had a one-way ticket to Heaven, which may or may not be the case.  At the time I had those thoughts I also believed that if someone was in Heaven that I could easily   talk to them and they could keep an eye over me in the here and now.  My view on those thoughts have changed significantly as my reading and studying of the Bible has increased.

If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe that she is not an angel.  I believe that God has angels and that we humans are different then angels.  Therefore when a Christian dies they do not become an angel, rather they are a child of God and go to Heaven where they will have a role/job in the presence and and continually worshiping of God.  Now that leads me to know that my sister is not watching me over like a guardian angel.  (Matthew 22:30)

If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe she can't hear my suffering.  Maybe she can hear my shouts and tears of joy but she cannot sense my pain or sorrow.  To even say that I could speak to her and ask her to pray for this painful thing or that painful thing (come on!  she's right there by God's ear...what sister WOULDN'T be praying for her family)...because pain is not a part of Heaven.  Heaven is bliss.  Heaven is no more suffering.  She cannot look at Earth because Earth and all it contains is a place of pain and suffering.  Yes, there are joyful things here, but there is pain.

We have all felt it.
You too.

These realizations have me sitting in what seems like a state of confusion.  I am thankful that my sister is no longer in pain.  I miss her dearly and feel an overwhelming statement to her that goes something like this..."Where the hell are you?  You are supposed to be here!"  She is not here, and that is my reality.  I think that based on my beliefs I am irritated by baking.  I'm irritated that it doesn't make me feel closer to her...rather it makes me feel farther from her.

She can't hear me.
She can't see that I'm baking.
She can't tell me that she's glad I'm doing that.

She was my baking enthusiast!
She was my encourager.

I built up my baking in an attempt to let her live her non-baking self through me for two years.  It made the 1000+ miles between us seem bearable.  It wasn't until recently that I truly understood that's what baking meant to me.  I wanted her to be proud of me!  I wanted to show her that I could pass that love that she had on to my children and onto my niece and nephew.  The reality is though...that it feels dead.

My desire to bake is dead.
And this makes me sad.

It makes me sad for it was an outlet that I was able to share with others.  I enjoyed baking for others and there are many more people and opportunity to share God's love and mercy with people...all through baking. It's a great introduction to a caring relationship with someone who needs that.  It's part of the hands and feet of Christ that I enjoyed doing.

Yet baking is not igniting within me.
Funny...but my blogging hasn't been either.

So I ask...WHAT AM I TO DO???

Matters of the Heart.

The heart is a muscular organ found in all vertebrates that is responsible for pumping blood throughout the blood vessels by repeated, rhythmic contractions. The term cardiac (as in cardiology) means "related to the heart" and comes from the Greek καρδιά, kardia, for "heart."

******

We all have a certain plan about how our lives are going to proceed.  Even those that hate planning ahead there is a certain amount of planning that everyone does.  

What do I mean?

Even if you are not a planner and you accidentally get pregnant your life, from there on out, is kind of mapped out: when you will have your baby, give or take a day or two.  You also now know when your child will head off to their first day of school and when they will get their drivers license.  You have an approximate time in your mind of when your own child will get married and one day you will be a grandparent.

Plans.

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

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A Sick Heart.

We all know how quickly a heart attack or stroke can change the lives of those that we love and adore.  In a heart beat someone can be gone or unable to communicate through various consequences of damage.  

I am part of a group of people that have the same type of cancer as my sister.  Through that I have learned something about those with cancer and how they look at their lives.  You see, my sister in the year 2008BC (before cancer) was going on youth group trips, working part-time, enjoying baking and hanging out with her kids, hosting parties with those that she loves and being a part of the world.  

Amy loves to entertain.

Most of you know that my sister's cancer is on her heart.  An unlikely abnormal place to get it, even for the type of cancer that she has...but I tell her "you would get it somewhere weird..." 

Oddly enough, her cancer healed a lot of things in her life.  Yes, the thing that could end up taking her cured her as well.  I will not go into details about her life but I am telling you the truth.  It healed her marriage.  It healed relationships because through it we were all able to get through the garbage of life that pulls us down to see clearly.

We learned that there is just no time for it.

My nephew graduates from high school in just a few short weeks and my niece will be turning 13 soon too!  By the grace of God my sister has been able to be here for the past two years and we are so very thankful!

Yes, most of her time is on the couch, but it's TIME!

Today she talks to the doctor and finds out how her scans went yesterday.  To make it a little harder my uncle passed away this week, his body riddled with cancer.  With all things I must put it into perspective: my uncle was in his 70s and has smoked and drank his whole life, in excess.  He had quadruple bypass surgery a few years ago.  

His body was tired.

He is a place of no more suffering.

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A Broken Heart.

During difficult times it is hard to not completely turn against God.  Why does HE want to take my sister home so soon?  

What I realized through this is that Earth is just temporary...and honestly if I had a chance to go to Heaven and have no more pain and suffering...I might sign up!  Of course, as a parent, we all want to make sure our children are raised completely and totally and I know that is a heavy weight on my sister's heart.

It does break her heart.

But God made her a beautiful heart.

AND God has healed her beautiful heart.

Even through her cancer.

And when God calls her home then I know that Heaven will be blessed.  I also know that I will see her again.

In due time.

For a parent who's child is suffering from a disease, addiction, or physical and emotional set backs...this too can cause a broken heart.  

A parent who looses their child...their heart is broken and shattered.  A broken heart beyond my own comprehension.

Completely broken.

The parent can only hold onto the fragments that are remaining; the family and friends that they love and love them, and hold on tight. I pray that for those that suffer in this way that some how I can be there to help them hold on.  

I think about that kind of loss and know that having God in my life and faith in Heaven, that is the only way I would be able to get through it.  

Faith, family and friends.

Jeremiah 24:7

I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.

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Life is not easy.  

The pain and suffering of this world are heart wrenching.  God gave us life and the enjoyment of every day we are blessed with.  Sometimes that time is filled with grieving of a loved one that has gone home.  Other days we are stuck on the couch dealing with cancer or having heart issues.

All of the above things can lead to anger, depression and a life time of disappointment if we stray from God's truth.

Every day that we are here, we have to remember that Heaven is an awesome place with no pain and no suffering.  That every day that we are here is to serve others and offer a spirit of love.  

To thank God for another sunrise, even through our pain and suffering.  

There is HOPE.

Always.

So long as we can keep in perspective who has our heart?  Who gave us our heart?  Who knows our heart?  

We, as Christians show that love through our words, thoughts, prayers and most of all...our actions.

Love heals the heart.

*****

How is YOUR heart?

Have you  someone who needs it?

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A New Year.

I just took a few minutes to look back at last year.  I love that I blog because it jogs the memory banks to my fears, thoughts, resolutions and revelations.  What I found is someone that, even then, was dealing with depression.

I have not reached a point that I am willing to take my non-insured butt to the doctor to get anti-depressants but it is truly evident even in reading what I wrote that I was depressed.

It was a hard year...2009.

Not only financially but physically and emotionally.

We got acclimated to being a family of 5, raising our puppy, accepting that my sister has cancer and learning that Maria's mom's ways.  Tommy had his knee surgery and I left my job.  I have gone from dealing with depression to feeling like the biggest piece of crap to realizing that every day is what I make of it.

God is here.
He forgives us for our imperfections.
He loves us.
He will not abandon us.

Life is hard.

I have so much compassion for our friends who lost their son and for others that have the same heart ache.  Even in all the despair and trials that I have experienced in the past couple of years it does not compare to theirs.  Earth is a place of pain and suffering...and there are good moments and ones that we love, but life is hard. 

I usually stop and take a look at the year before and decide what to do about the future.  2009 was hard as I suspected it would be...harder then I could have imagined.  In this hard year though I had a lot of joy!  I was able to see my sisters and their family TWICE!  I went on vacation with my husband's family!

There was a lot of joy.

As I look at the future of 2010...I know that there are going to be many trials.  It's not going to be a perfect year.  It's going to have pain and suffering.  BUT... 

BUT...

there are going to be spectacular moments!
Moments of joy.
Moments of healing.
Moments of remembering.

My kids are getting ready to have their 3 months of birthdays and I am on the brink of 11, 12 & 13.  Although scary to have my kids really gearing up for the teenage years it's also exciting for them in their lives.  :) 

I believe that this year will be a pivotal year in my husband's career and will mark our future out.  It may be tough financially for a wee bit longer, but I see a break in the storm clouds and that is something awesome to look forward to! 

I see that as we change some schedules around this year that my ability to be involved in our life group will be life changing for me.  I need them!  Not to mention morning breakfast with my neighbor once a week!  I cannot wait to be able to initiate that!

The hubby and I are getting ready to take a class at church that is very enriching for our marriage and I am super excited about that!  I believe that we have a good marriage but I think the key to a good marriage is always working on a good marriage.  :)  It will be an adventure to share that kind of information with others as we grow but everyone who took the class before us said it was AWESOME! 

My sister-n-law gets married in February and is getting ready to begin her marriage journey.  After 13 years I realized that Tommy and I are the old guys on the block...and I try to remind my brothers and sisters in laws that marriage is not easy, especially that first year.  It's a year of loving one another for certain!  But it is also a year of learning how to communicate and learning each others roles in the marriage.

We all know how hard that is.  :)

Well, I am rambling. 
I guess what I am trying to say is this...

2010 is a year of struggles.
2010 is a year of joy.
2010 is filled with memories.

It's a year to be looked forward to and a year to be lived!  God will be with me throughout this year and no matter what...that is what I put all my stock in.