The pilot light is OUT.

Six months have nearly come and gone since my sister passed away.  Mourning is such a weird thing to experience, especially due to my desire to not be depressed or sad.  Amy wouldn't have had it any other way.  I miss my sister deeply and be connected to her through her facebook page it is clear that others are having the increased of longing for her at this time.

Is mourning on a time line?
Or is it the season?

I guess it would be like this forever.
My sister is frozen in time.
Forever young.

During the summer last year I began to bake less due to the extreme hot Florida weather.  The house is hard enough to keep cool...running an oven makes it even hotter.  I assumed that when winter hit my house would become another baking zone.  When I would bake it did make me feel as though I was closer to her.  I would often worry that my baking would make her sad, but overall she would come away happy that I was doing it.

When you lose someone they tell you that you will feel closer to them when you do certain things.  I thought that I would bake this winter and that it would allow me to feel closer to my sister.  I feel quite contrary to that...for I do not want to cook.  I don't want to bake at all.  When I think about baking for just a moment I get excited and the gruesome task of baking takes over.

Even simple things...like brownies...
or rice krispy treats

I recognize that my life changed shortly after Amy died in more ways then just losing my sister.  Two weeks after returning home from the funeral the kids started school and I began to watch one more child full time.  I know that those changes did impair my stamina and desire to bake...but after much thought I think I realize the full depth of it.

You see, I am a Christian.  I believe in Heaven and I believe in Hell.  Although I may not be certain if you get a direct ticket to heaven the moment you die or if you rest in peace until Jesus comes again...I do believe that EVENTUALLY if you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and you live life according to that basic fundamental belief guiding your life that you will go to Heaven.  I believe that whole heartedly.

There was a time that I believe that if you died you had a one-way ticket to Heaven, which may or may not be the case.  At the time I had those thoughts I also believed that if someone was in Heaven that I could easily   talk to them and they could keep an eye over me in the here and now.  My view on those thoughts have changed significantly as my reading and studying of the Bible has increased.

If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe that she is not an angel.  I believe that God has angels and that we humans are different then angels.  Therefore when a Christian dies they do not become an angel, rather they are a child of God and go to Heaven where they will have a role/job in the presence and and continually worshiping of God.  Now that leads me to know that my sister is not watching me over like a guardian angel.  (Matthew 22:30)

If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe she can't hear my suffering.  Maybe she can hear my shouts and tears of joy but she cannot sense my pain or sorrow.  To even say that I could speak to her and ask her to pray for this painful thing or that painful thing (come on!  she's right there by God's ear...what sister WOULDN'T be praying for her family)...because pain is not a part of Heaven.  Heaven is bliss.  Heaven is no more suffering.  She cannot look at Earth because Earth and all it contains is a place of pain and suffering.  Yes, there are joyful things here, but there is pain.

We have all felt it.
You too.

These realizations have me sitting in what seems like a state of confusion.  I am thankful that my sister is no longer in pain.  I miss her dearly and feel an overwhelming statement to her that goes something like this..."Where the hell are you?  You are supposed to be here!"  She is not here, and that is my reality.  I think that based on my beliefs I am irritated by baking.  I'm irritated that it doesn't make me feel closer to her...rather it makes me feel farther from her.

She can't hear me.
She can't see that I'm baking.
She can't tell me that she's glad I'm doing that.

She was my baking enthusiast!
She was my encourager.

I built up my baking in an attempt to let her live her non-baking self through me for two years.  It made the 1000+ miles between us seem bearable.  It wasn't until recently that I truly understood that's what baking meant to me.  I wanted her to be proud of me!  I wanted to show her that I could pass that love that she had on to my children and onto my niece and nephew.  The reality is though...that it feels dead.

My desire to bake is dead.
And this makes me sad.

It makes me sad for it was an outlet that I was able to share with others.  I enjoyed baking for others and there are many more people and opportunity to share God's love and mercy with people...all through baking. It's a great introduction to a caring relationship with someone who needs that.  It's part of the hands and feet of Christ that I enjoyed doing.

Yet baking is not igniting within me.
Funny...but my blogging hasn't been either.

So I ask...WHAT AM I TO DO???

The BLACK HOLE

The vortex, otherwise known as life.

Ever have one of those moments where you have been living in a downward spiral that you rationalized that it was for your own good?  Hopefully you had another moment that you realized that you were actually being irrational and you took you life back.

That is where I have been the past several months.

Taking back my life.

Finding me.

After working the past 14 years in offices I feel the need to just walk away.  I realize now that my talents and need for a steady income forced me into that arena of work but my level of unhappiness there has made me take a step back.  I have in turn put the ENTIRE responsibility of making an income completely onto my husband and have been reevaluating myself.

This week I am focusing on finding a part-time job.  I have been trying to pray about this job and let God lead the way.  I know what I do NOT want...but not sure exactly what I DO want.  

Many moons ago I was a daycare teacher and although that sounds really grimy and hard work it is something that I thoroughly enjoyed.  I loved "my kids" very much and looked forward to my job.  When I met my husband that is what I did and who I was.  He convinced me that my intelligence and abilities could shine and give greater financial stability in another job.  

So I left it.

My poor husband does not understand my disdain for working in another office now.  Such an abrupt change from the constant I have been.  I have had a few really good moments working in an office.  I developed two of the best friendships that I cherish more than anything!  Unfortunately the day-to-day stress that it carries is far greater then I ever realized.  


The Rat Race. 
The stress of leaving my family daily.
Coming home and putting on the mom hat.
The chef hat.
The maid hat.
The wife hat.


Every aspect of my life was being affected.

Stress is not the only factor though...

I have always been a creative person.  I like to work with my hands.  I love people.  I also love children.  I truly enjoy making others feel good about themselves and having that emotional connection with people.  For the past 14 years I have set all that aside and disconnected that part from myself.  I have put the desires and needs of my heart into a steel box and slid it onto the back shelf.

You see, overall, I am a simple woman.

For years I tried to be a complicated woman who needed to strive to become better and greater and stronger.


A professional plate juggler.  

I am not her.

I am me.

Father, what I ask of you is simple.  You know the desires and needs of my heart.  You know the financial needs of our family.  Please open my eyes and ears so that I may see the job you have waiting for me.  Thank you for already having the perfect one picked out! 

~Amen.

*****

Now I am working on getting my husband's college stuff fixed.  He landed, I say landed, but I know that God plopped into his lap and AWESOME job!  He is trying to push through to finish up his AA and begin his Bachelors.  His sights and future have changed very drastically over the past few weeks and I know that it is completely a God thing.  

God things are just awesome.  :)

Even though he has longer in school then we had originally planned...when he leaves he will be a successful man who will be able to pay back his loans AND do God's work as well.

How cool is that?

*****

Duke the Moose is still looking for his little lizard friends to return to him.  The cold weather that we have been having either killed all the lizards or sent them underground into extreme hibernation.  You get so used to seeing lizards that once you realize that they are no longer around it's kind of weird.

Are they gone for good?

Duke likes to eat the lizards.

...and frogs.

*****

Tony's birthday is in a few days.  For 5 weeks I will have TWO 12 year olds.  After week 5 Maria will turn 13.  I am stepping over the threshold into the "official" teenage years.

*****

So...what have you guys been up to?  
Any Earth changing, life changing events taking place in your neck of the woods?
Do you KNOW who you are and are you being true to yourself?

You know what to do....

LETS TALK!