Me & the Family

Me & the Family

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Heavy Heart

This is my first time dealing with a death of someone close to me...and having the holidays sneak up.  They say that the holidays are hard on people and I guess that they are right.  Now that am I here, it's definitely getting hard.  As I do, because it's in my nature, I try to analyze the WHY so that maybe, in some realm, I can more easily deal with the emotions.

Am I more sad because it's darker outside?
Is it a bit of seasonal depression meets mourning?

For the life of me I can't draw a line in the sand to clearly identify the emotion, other than it is here and I do not feel as though I can control it.  I want my sister back.  I want the stress and worries that I am carrying around every day to just go away.

Can't they just go away?

I believe in God.  I believe in a purpose.  I believe that minimally speaking I know what my purpose is and that I am currently filling that purpose to the best of my abilities.  My purpose is to love God, love others (including my enemies), and to serve.  I feel that between raising my own children and caring for the other children that God has put into my life...I have a lot of purpose.  I believe that teaching all the kids that I have around me that God loves them is a big part of my purpose.

I also believe that all the trials that I am experience are not to be experienced in vain.  I pray that they will serve a purpose, though it's hard to understand what and how it's going to happen.  Am I going to become an advocate?  Will I at least be able to help someone in a similar circumstance?

Sorry I am just rambling.
Just trying to get through the emotion...

Emotion that has me paralyzed and exhausted.

I desperately need to prepare for Thanksgiving and I am just feeling DEFEATED.

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