This is my first time dealing with a death of someone close to me...and having the holidays sneak up. They say that the holidays are hard on people and I guess that they are right. Now that am I here, it's definitely getting hard. As I do, because it's in my nature, I try to analyze the WHY so that maybe, in some realm, I can more easily deal with the emotions.
Am I more sad because it's darker outside?
Is it a bit of seasonal depression meets mourning?
For the life of me I can't draw a line in the sand to clearly identify the emotion, other than it is here and I do not feel as though I can control it. I want my sister back. I want the stress and worries that I am carrying around every day to just go away.
Can't they just go away?
I believe in God. I believe in a purpose. I believe that minimally speaking I know what my purpose is and that I am currently filling that purpose to the best of my abilities. My purpose is to love God, love others (including my enemies), and to serve. I feel that between raising my own children and caring for the other children that God has put into my life...I have a lot of purpose. I believe that teaching all the kids that I have around me that God loves them is a big part of my purpose.
I also believe that all the trials that I am experience are not to be experienced in vain. I pray that they will serve a purpose, though it's hard to understand what and how it's going to happen. Am I going to become an advocate? Will I at least be able to help someone in a similar circumstance?
Sorry I am just rambling.
Just trying to get through the emotion...
Emotion that has me paralyzed and exhausted.
I desperately need to prepare for Thanksgiving and I am just feeling DEFEATED.