Six months have nearly come and gone since my sister passed away. Mourning is such a weird thing to experience, especially due to my desire to not be depressed or sad. Amy wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss my sister deeply and be connected to her through her facebook page it is clear that others are having the increased of longing for her at this time.
Is mourning on a time line?
Or is it the season?
I guess it would be like this forever.
My sister is frozen in time.
During the summer last year I began to bake less due to the extreme hot Florida weather. The house is hard enough to keep cool...running an oven makes it even hotter. I assumed that when winter hit my house would become another baking zone. When I would bake it did make me feel as though I was closer to her. I would often worry that my baking would make her sad, but overall she would come away happy that I was doing it.
When you lose someone they tell you that you will feel closer to them when you do certain things. I thought that I would bake this winter and that it would allow me to feel closer to my sister. I feel quite contrary to that...for I do not want to cook. I don't want to bake at all. When I think about baking for just a moment I get excited and the gruesome task of baking takes over.
Even simple things...like brownies...
or rice krispy treats
I recognize that my life changed shortly after Amy died in more ways then just losing my sister. Two weeks after returning home from the funeral the kids started school and I began to watch one more child full time. I know that those changes did impair my stamina and desire to bake...but after much thought I think I realize the full depth of it.
You see, I am a Christian. I believe in Heaven and I believe in Hell. Although I may not be certain if you get a direct ticket to heaven the moment you die or if you rest in peace until Jesus comes again...I do believe that EVENTUALLY if you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and you live life according to that basic fundamental belief guiding your life that you will go to Heaven. I believe that whole heartedly.
There was a time that I believe that if you died you had a one-way ticket to Heaven, which may or may not be the case. At the time I had those thoughts I also believed that if someone was in Heaven that I could easily talk to them and they could keep an eye over me in the here and now. My view on those thoughts have changed significantly as my reading and studying of the Bible has increased.
If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe that she is not an angel. I believe that God has angels and that we humans are different then angels. Therefore when a Christian dies they do not become an angel, rather they are a child of God and go to Heaven where they will have a role/job in the presence and and continually worshiping of God. Now that leads me to know that my sister is not watching me over like a guardian angel. (Matthew 22:30)
If my sister had a direct ticket to heaven and is NOT just resting in peace until Jesus comes then I believe she can't hear my suffering. Maybe she can hear my shouts and tears of joy but she cannot sense my pain or sorrow. To even say that I could speak to her and ask her to pray for this painful thing or that painful thing (come on! she's right there by God's ear...what sister WOULDN'T be praying for her family)...because pain is not a part of Heaven. Heaven is bliss. Heaven is no more suffering. She cannot look at Earth because Earth and all it contains is a place of pain and suffering. Yes, there are joyful things here, but there is pain.
We have all felt it.
These realizations have me sitting in what seems like a state of confusion. I am thankful that my sister is no longer in pain. I miss her dearly and feel an overwhelming statement to her that goes something like this..."Where the hell are you? You are supposed to be here!" She is not here, and that is my reality. I think that based on my beliefs I am irritated by baking. I'm irritated that it doesn't make me feel closer to her...rather it makes me feel farther from her.
She can't hear me.
She can't see that I'm baking.
She can't tell me that she's glad I'm doing that.
She was my baking enthusiast!
She was my encourager.
I built up my baking in an attempt to let her live her non-baking self through me for two years. It made the 1000+ miles between us seem bearable. It wasn't until recently that I truly understood that's what baking meant to me. I wanted her to be proud of me! I wanted to show her that I could pass that love that she had on to my children and onto my niece and nephew. The reality is though...that it feels dead.
My desire to bake is dead.
And this makes me sad.
It makes me sad for it was an outlet that I was able to share with others. I enjoyed baking for others and there are many more people and opportunity to share God's love and mercy with people...all through baking. It's a great introduction to a caring relationship with someone who needs that. It's part of the hands and feet of Christ that I enjoyed doing.
Yet baking is not igniting within me.
Funny...but my blogging hasn't been either.
So I ask...WHAT AM I TO DO???