My life has changed a lot over the past seven months. As soon as I returned from the funeral the kids started school and I took on another little boy in Boppy Land. We recently switched churches and I feel more grounded (not being tossed by the waves). I recently started a Ladies Bible Study in my home...even if it currently is just three of us.
After the past few years and the continual MAJOR CHANGES that God was bringing to my door...this year the question is - well what now? What now Lord? What would you have me do?
I had a good time on New Years. I let go and I drank quite a bit. I let my hair down...maybe even a little too much. Once my husband and I got home it was apparent that I really upset my husband. My behavior, as far as he was concerned, was unacceptable.
He was right.
After loosing my sister there have been moments that I have crossed over the threshold just trying to let my hair down. But at what cost?
Since New Years I have had an UNBELIEVABLE inward PUSH to stop drinking. I find this inward nag to be quite irritating as I enjoy having a beer very very much. A beer every evening while I cook dinner, even if it takes two hours to drink, was my norm. I cook with wine and beer so why not have a drink while I make it? When I say that I like beer...I mean I love robust beers. Red beers, dark beers...beer with flavor. Maybe it is my German genetics but I have liked beer since I was in high school and my taste has only become more refined.
I have not completely ignored the voice, the push, the conviction pulsating through my thoughts...but I have not accepted it as my truth.
I know who's making that phone call and all I keep thinking is...
As a Christian I believe that it is okay for a person to drink.
1 Timothy 5:23 "Stop drinking only water,
and use a little wine because of your
stomach and your frequent illnesses."
Not to mention Jesus turned water into wine.
So where is the sin in my having a beer? I can only tell you that this feeling of not drinking has only gotten heavier and more consistent. I thought in time it would go away. I keep asking why God would not allow me to do this? Is this for just a time or is this the rest of my life? Does this need to be completely no drinking...or just one every once-in-a-while?
I told my husband about this and of course he looked at me funny and said, "Don't expect me to stop drinking." I had to laugh. I guess he thought it was going to be like when I quit smoking. For that - he HAD to quit with me.
When I analyzed my alcohol usage and my desire to drink it is true that when the little kids were getting crazy and my nerves were wearing thin I would think..."what I wouldn't give to drink a beer right now." Every time I opened the fridge at nap time it was as if they were starring at me.
I have come to realize that I was depending on that beer in the fridge to get me through my day than my God.
As I said, I have not completely committed to not drinking but I can tell you that the amount of drinks that I have had since New Years is drastically less than my life BEFORE New Years. My craving for it has practically dissipated. Even though I have not made that commitment I have an overwhelming GUILT about having a beer...and just that emotion is quite confusing for me.
I guess that this, for whatever reason...is God taking me on my next adventure. Before I fully commit to this crazy decision I want to make sure that what I am doing is completely of God so that I do not backslide on it. If he wants me to do this for life than for LIFE it is. If this is just a temporary thing or just a put me in perspective thing...then I will commit to that.
It's just crazy.
My friends, my neighbors...we all drink! We drink casually. Sometimes we drink a little bit more together than we should. Its drastically different when you are the only one not drinking. How is this going to change my relationships? Should I care about those relationships or should I focus more on my relationship with God...and the rest will work itself out?
Can I seriously enjoy a virgin margarita on the beach with my husband as much as I can a regular margarita? What about the few occasions that we sneak off together and have a beer? Just he and I?
What are the guidelines to this insanity????
Has there ever been a moment in your life when you feel God pressing on you? As if he is asking for a significant part of who you are to change?
Do you just think I'm crazy????