Me & the Family

Me & the Family

Monday, February 13, 2012

GBE: Do-Overs

As I look in the mirror, at the reflection of myself, and I see all the lines around my eyes I begin to look past myself and into my past.  As I go back in time my heart breaks with all the mistakes that I have made along the way.  In that moment as pain pierces my heart I cry out to God, "I'm so sorry."

What if I could do it all over again?
Would it make a difference?

My thoughts bring me back to the beginning.  The beginning of all the mistakes and wrong thinking and poor decisions.  I take a glance at all the things that were around me that made me choose those things.  I looked at my "mentors."  If somehow someone had entered my life and affected me to the core, I would not have started drinking and partying - and I would have valued myself because I could have seen myself through God's eyes, and not my own.  

My self worth would have been known.
I would not have lost my virginity.
I would have gotten better grades in school.
I would have attended college.
I would have waited for God to bring that special someone.

I sit down now.  A wave of what-if's gives to a wave of nausea.  It's quite possible that if I change just the first part of my life story and do it all over again that I will miss out on the most intricate part of my life story.

which translates to this...

He knew my future before I ever experienced my past.  He knew I was going to make those choices and who would not step-up to mentor me in a good way.  He knew that I would be easily deceived and that in due time I would cry out for him!  He knew that my experience would help him to save many.

You see, even though it was a broken road
It was also blessed with God's mercy and miracles.

My husband at the age of 20.
My children.

I cannot imagine my life without all of those things, and my experience made them happen.  I no longer carry guilt or resentment for my past - because my faith has healed me.  I have to take those experiences and find God's purpose in my life.

I cannot continue to look back into my past and want to change it.  Instead I need to look into the NOW which will lead to my future - and help those that have had MY EXPERIENCE and help others have an easier road.  My job now is to LOVE and to FORGIVE.

Would you change yours???


danneromero said...

Very thoughtful. All things that happen to you, are for you to experience. To help you grow. It seems you understand this about yourself. Nice writing.

Anonymous said...

Our past, both good and bad, do make us who we are today. Each day is a new day to be a new person and it sounds like you have become a beautiful person. Blessings.

Claudia Moser said...

Very personal, thank you for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Both your strength and your joy show in your writing. :)

Kathy said...

Live in the now, forgive yourself for the past, and move on with confidence. Great post. Everything that came before makes you who you are now...which is pretty great from what I can see.


Jo said...

I live with no regrets. Not for anything I have done or not done. Maybe there were times when I could have been kinder or could have helped someone when I thought I didn't have time. Maybe, but I might never have known what real kindness means if I had never with held it. I don't know.
Good post and as always God bless.

pbquig said...

Would've, could've, should've, is hard on the psyche. Nice post.

Mojo Writin' said...

I'm with Pam, Forget all eh stuff you 'woulda, shoulda, coulda' done and just think about what you can do now and in the future. Interesting post.

Kenya G. Johnson said...

I wouldn't! Love your post. Pinned the second quote. Thank you.

Joyce Lansky said...

I'd try, but you know how it went. Peggy Sue got married, again.


P.S. I'm having to do a do-over on the %&(^ capita.