Tomorrow is my bible study. I posted what I wanted us to do during the week this past week since we did not meet. It was a challenge. A challenge to see if we are, in fact, lukewarm.
That chapter was seriously challenging for me.
I am lukewarm.
What a sad and disturbing thing to realize about yourself. I am really trying to step out on faith and do what God wants me to do, but it's difficult. Just trying to read and prepare for this bible study is difficult. Running my family and keeping my head above water is difficult.
I haven't drank in quite some time now: 23 days to be exact. But who's counting? It seems like an eternity. I have had two social occasions now that I would have normally drank at. It was interesting being in that moment without SOMETHING to drink. I had coffee and water and everyone became sillier and louder and here I was...sober. The other really agonizing time is at dinner, just as we are wrapping up and I'm trying to figure out the schedule for showers and bedtime: there is ALWAYS an argument,chaos and it's in that moment that there is nothing I would like more than a beer.
I have been walking away in the evening and getting relaxed or in the shower. I just do not have the patience for it. At least not yet. Tommy has been allowing me to leave while he orchestrates that time. I do not want to be screaming at everybody - loosing my mind.
That's what I've been doing.
Without a beer in the evening.
At that moment.
Not a good thing.
Rather eye opening.
In those moments ... my quitting drinking experience resembles when I quit smoking several years ago and I have to wonder how addicted I am to just having that beer? Even though I didn't have it every night in those moments in consumes me.
I am pretty sure I have decided how long I will be quitting for. As I said before, I felt like God wanted me to quit. I was not sure for how long...but it was an urging from within me that I needed to comply. The nagging would not stop until I did. When I did quit I made a commitment to God that I would not quit until he said it was okay. Not sure how that works but I do have a feeling about a time frame.
I believe that the time frame may be somewhere between 5 - 7 years. A long time, right? Yeah, I feel like it is a really long time. I am not fully committed to that length of time, but it might just be my reality. I believe that if it's what the Lord wants of me then I will do it.
My kids will be 17, 18 and 19 in five years.
Now THATS a scary thought!
So I have been pondering the part of lukewarm that resembles me the best. I had several that I think I teeter-totter within:
3) I have a desire to fit inside church and outside church - I care more about what people and MYSELF think than what God thinks.
5) I am moved by stories of people doing radical things for Christ but personally never act on it.
8) Say they love Jesus and he is part of my life, but only a part.
11) I will serve God and others but there are limits of how far I will go or how much time, money, or energy I am willing to give.
13) I am thankful for all the comforts and luxuries that I have but rarely give as much as possible to the poor.
14) I do whatever I need to do to keep from feeling too guilty.
15) I continually play it safe; slave to the God of control.
16) I feel secure because I attend church, made a profession of faith, was baptized, come from a Christian family, vote republican and live in America. Don't all Christian Americans go to heaven?
These are my top assailants.
These are the things that make me lukewarm.
Now...time for me to go and dig deeper...