When the world doesn't fit so good.
I have been doing my study on Crazy Love, which has been very challenging. The last chapter that we worked on was lukewarm. I once wrote a blog about being lukewarm. Maybe I will post it again.
I had to challenge myself this past week and figure out what area, out of the 18 listed, is the one that I need to work on the most. I am sure that after taking care of one step the obvious choice is to work on the next step...so that you no longer can be described as lukewarm. I have a looooonnnng way to go, but over the weekend I came to a conclusion of my biggest fault.
And I have no idea how to fix this issue.
You see, I live in an awesome neighborhood with people that I love dearly. These women have been there through some seriously rough times. They pray for me and my family. They are good women.
They are all very different from me.
This weekend we all went to St. Augustine. I would have been happy dressing up as an old-timey person and chasing chickens and these ladies wanted fine dining. From the experience I just realized that I am more of the peasant and they are the princesses. It does not mean that I do not love them, I'm just different.
As my first real outing with no drinking (32 days and counting now) I looked at my evening a lot differently than I normally would. I had a blast as we are all quite entertaining to be around. Just as sisters...you will find us throwing stuff at each other, pulling hair and punching arms. What I came to realize though that besides completely missing my husband...
I just found that I spent the weekend trying to be worldly...
And I missed God.
I know that it is not a bad thing to enjoy good things, but I was left feeling guilty and misplaced. It was a weird feeling to feel, especially being with women that I care about a lot.
What does that mean for me?
What does that mean for my friendships?
As I spent the weekend and they spoke about the next girls trip and the next couples trip and the hotels and restaurants...I just have to ask why am I going? Am I going to please my friends and the world? Am I going because it's expected of me? Am I going because if I don't I will not have a closer relationship with these friends?
How different am I?
What makes me different?
When I left, despite all the laughter, I had a overwhelming feeling of sadness. It was confirmation that I am more of a peasant than a princess...so where do I fit in?
It is as if I am trying to please the world instead of pleasing God.