Two years ago this week we recieved a phone call from a man stating he was the grandfather of a little girl...whom he believed was my husband's daughter. We were emailed a picture...and the rest is history.
We met Maria the end of April 08 and she has lived with us since that June. She is my oldest daughter and is turning 13 in a few short weeks.
It was a crazy time and one that God led us through practically flawlessly. I thought I would post an old blog. This blog was written just a few days after we found out and met with Maria's grandparents. At the time we weren't telling anyone what was going on, other then our family...
But I had to find a way to express my feelings without spilling the beans. It was such an emotional rollercoaster and a rollercoaster that has finally settled. This roller coaster...allowed me to begin writing about how I "feel" about things and opening up to writing and just opening up.
Enjoy!
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02/21/2008
Insecurities are so STUPID!
I have not thought about being insecure or having insecurities for a VERY VERY VERY long time. In fact, it is an emotion that I deemed as stupid and weak. I am not big on EMOTIONS and believe that everyone else should be that way too.
Maybe it's the German in me...who knows. Then again, the German in me wouldn't be telling you all about how I "feel." The German in me would just drink a beer and move on!
So I now have this emotion that I am working through. It's funny because it's making me angry to have this emotion...this feeling.
Webster.com defines insecurity as the following:
1: not confident or sure : uncertain
2: not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3: not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 a: not highly stable or well-adjusted b: deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety
1: not confident or sure : uncertain
2: not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3: not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 a: not highly stable or well-adjusted b: deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety
I guess you could say that sums me up pretty good. I am very uncertain what the future holds for me. Because of my uncertainty...I feel shaky and unsafe. All these feelings drum up one emotion that I DISPISE...
fear.
I would have to say that in many respects, I'm the biggest chicken that I know...possibly that ever lived. Fear is the one thing that I face day in and day out. I have learned to deal with my fear and anxiety through lots and lots of prayer. I have learned to be able to talk to total strangers and not be overcome with fear.
I know it sounds stupid...but it is what it is.
Fear of rejection, fear of disappointing, fear of failing
So as I come to the pending...life changes that I have before me I am wrought with insecurity and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing everything.
Fear that what I want is not what I'm going to get.
And then I have to sit here and ask myself...is this how I am supposed to be? I mean, how does one function when they are sitting in the corner shaking with a million thoughts going through their head because of fear??? Fear is not very productive...in fact; it stops production and action all together!
Fear of rejection, fear of disappointing, fear of failing
So as I come to the pending...life changes that I have before me I am wrought with insecurity and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing everything.
Fear that what I want is not what I'm going to get.
And then I have to sit here and ask myself...is this how I am supposed to be? I mean, how does one function when they are sitting in the corner shaking with a million thoughts going through their head because of fear??? Fear is not very productive...in fact; it stops production and action all together!
Did you know that the word FEAR is in the Bible a whole bunch??? Well, I typed it into BibleGateway.com...and it came up 330 times. It ranged from Genesis to Revelations. It went from fearing God, the fish fearing humans, and having no fear.
The biggest verse that jumped out at me was...
That pretty much sums up where I need to be at right now. Even though I have fear from the uncertainty of the future...I can be freed from them if I just let go.
He knows the plan.
Knowing that He is in control and that He has the wheel...it's so much easier to let go and continue with life. I can only accomplish one day at a time. And you know what? My life is going to change and it's going to be different, but every day is different...and I'm okay with that. God will never leave me, never forsake me...and He is always there listening to my heart.
I could not ask for anything else.
As my friend Krista told me last night...
I have a wonderful husband who loves me, two beautiful children that we share a home, friends, family and a God who has unconditional love for us...and we keep our paths straight to Him.
What do I have to fear????
So with that...I am released to go about my day and accomplish what needs to be accomplished. I will continue to pray about my future...but not have FEAR over my future. It is all in God's hands and I'm sure His plan is MUCH BETTER than mine!
<>< Jane
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